Presentations

Presentations given by Fr. George Morelli on various topics.

Christ: Our Model for Forgiveness*

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli at the Orthodox Peace Fellowship in Madison, Wisconsin.

September 16, 2011 by Archpriest George Morelli PhD

USE THIS LINK TO LIST ALL OTHER PRESENTATIONS: https://www.slideshare.net/AntiochianArchdiocese

Ahe presentation below was given to the Orthodox Peace Fellowship [an endorsed organization of the Assembly of Canonical Orthodox Bishops of America] Annual Meeting, held in Madison, Wisconsin on September 16-18 2011. I have consistently written on forgiveness as central to the teachings and practice of Christ Himself and the necessity of our emulation of this forgiveness to bring peace to those around us and achieve our own sanctification.

These articles supply the substantive content and background to accompany this presentation. Parish priests catechists, and all of the Royal Priesthood of Christ by their Holy Baptism may find this PowerPoint presentation with the relevant articles useful in giving workshops or leading discussion groups on this critical issue that confronts committed Orthodox Christians in today’s non-Christian violent vengeance and retribution centered world.

TRANSCRIPT

CHRIST OUR MODEL FOR FORGIVENESS
ARCHPRIEST GEORGE MORELLI, PhD
Essence of the Godhead
The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, One God, is magnificently summarized by St. John Chrysostom in his Divine Liturgy: “for Thou art God ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incomprehensible, ever existing and eternally the same.”
Blessed Augustine of Hippo
‘It would be easier to take the entire sea and pour it into this hole, than to explain the mystery of the Trinity.’ The inability of mankind to comprehend God is even farther beyond the words of St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians (13: 12): “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.”
An Interrelationship of Love
The Divine Persons and their communicative interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the Divine Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit cannot be conceived apart from each other, in as much as the Divine Essence will lead to Divine action (Divine Energy) and the creation of the cosmos and mankind itself. Mankind was created to be in communion with God and with one another. The depth of the Trinitarian communion of love, which is descriptive of their essence and which also will serve as the purpose of mankind’s creation…
Olivier Clément
The Divine Persons are not added to another, they exist in one another: the Father is in the Son and the Son is in the Father, the Spirit is united to the Father together with the Son and ‘completes the blessed Trinity’ as if He were ensuring the circulation of love within it. This circulation of love was called by the Fathers [Sts. Basil and Maximus the Confessor] perichoresis, another key word of their spirituality . . . Along with kenosis [emptying]. Perichoresis, the exchange of being by which each Person exists only in virtue of His relationship with the Others, might be defined as a ‘joyful kenosis’. The kenosis of the Son in history is the extension of the kenosis of the Trinity and allows us to share in it. Clement, O. (1993). The Roots of Christian Mysticism. Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.
God is Love
Thus, not only the cosmos comes into existence, but also mankind comes into being. God had no need to create the cosmos, He did so out of His intrinsic love. The Holy Trinity itself is love. As St. John tells us: “God is love.(1Jn 4: 8). St. Maximus the Confessor points out “. . . we maintain that only the Divine Essence has no opposite, since it is eternal and infinite and bestows eternity on other things.” Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (1981). The Philokalia, Volume 2: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Makarios of Corinth . London: Faber and Faber.
Man made in God’s image-called to be like Him
When God brought into being natures endowed with intelligence and intellect He communicated to them, in His supreme goodness, four of the divine attributes by which He sustains, protects and preserves created things. These attributes are being, eternal being, goodness and wisdom. Of the four He granted the first two, being and eternal being. to their essence, and the second two, goodness and wisdom, to their volitive faculty, so that what He is in His essence the creature may become by participation. This is why man is said to have been created in the image and likeness of God. (cf. Gn 1: 26). . . .only the good and wise will attain His likeness.”(St. Maximus the Confessor Philokalia II)
Goodness and Wisdom must be chosen
The great spiritual perception of St. Maximus is that the being and eternity of mankind is simply given to us gratis. While God is unbounded, He freely binds Himself not to take this being and eternity from us. But goodness and wisdom is another matter completely; it is up to our volitive faculty. We have to recognize goodness and wisdom; we have to desire goodness and wisdom, and we have to work at being wise and choosing to do good.
Father, Thy will be done
Jesus words to the Pharisees
`I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.“ (Mt 9:13)
And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.“ (Mk 2: 17)
Separate the sin from the sinner
In the book of Revelation Jesus (in the guise of an angel tells St. John:
“Yet this you have, you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.” (Rev 2:6).
We are called to hate and not to choose sin
Sin is an illness and infirmity by which we succumb to our passions and make an evil choice. St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II) calls evil “a privation of good.”
St. Symeon the New Theologian
Baptism does not take away our free will or freedom of choice, but gives us the freedom no longer to be tyrannized by the devil unless we choose to be. … Whoever after baptism deliberately submits to the will of the devil and carries out his wishes, estranges himself — to adapt David’s words — from the holy womb of baptism (cf. Ps 57:3) … We are created good by God — for God creates nothing evil — and we remain unchanging in our nature and essence as created. But we do what we choose and want, whether good or bad, of our own free will. Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1995). The Philokalia, Volume 4: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Makarios of Corinth . London: Faber and Faber.
St. Simeon the New Theologian
St. Isaac of Syria
Tolerance is intrinsic to the Love that is God: “how compassionate God is, and how patient; and how He loves creation, and how He carries it, gently enduring its importunity, the various sins and wickedness, the terrible blasphemies of demons and evil men.” (Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications).
St. Isaac of Syria con’t
“all living creatures exist in God’s mind before their creation.” What this implies is that their place in the structure of the cosmos is retained even if someone falls away from God.
[Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications]
St. Isaac of Syria
A compassionate person is the physician of his own soul, for, as if with a strong wind, he chases away from his inner being a dark cloud. Brock, S., trans. (1997). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation.
God does not condone evil in any way
As St. Isaac understands it we must have relentless repentance: “continual and mournful supplication by means of prayer filled with compunction draws nigh to God in order to seek forgiveness of past offenses, and entreaty for preservation from future [offenses].” And for what purpose? St. Isaac answers for us that “they [sinners] will be perfected in love for Him, with a perfect mind which is above any aberration in all its stirrings.“
[Wensinck, A. J. (ed., trans.) (1923). Mystic Treatises by Isaac of Nineveh. Amsterdam, Holland: KoninklijkeAkademie Van Wetenschappen.]
God’s Complete & Impassible Love Toward All
Everyone has a single place in [God’s] purpose in the ranking of love, corresponding to the form He beheld in them before He created them and all the rest of created beings…. He has a single ranking of complete and impassible love towards everyone, and He has a single caring concern for those who have fallen, just as much as for those who have not fallen.
Love Is Actualized by Forgiveness
But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Make friends quickly with your accuser, while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison; truly, I say to you, you will never get out till you have paid the last penny” (emphasis added) (Matthew 5: 22-26).
Repentance: The Condition for Forgiveness
When someone who offends God or us they must repent. God, and we in imitation of Him, should embrace the repentant sinner with God’s own love, in order to forgive him. We have to pray that we or anyone who has offended us or God, be reconciled to God and to us through His Church. The foundation of this repentance is a sense of his unfaithfulness to God and offense to us, contrition of heart, and determination to amend and have ametanoia, a fundamental change of mind and heart so as not to offend again.
The Grave Danger of Setting Conditions for Repentance
Because of the brokenness of mankind, the individual who has been slighted is angry and frequently wants “blood” retribution. God’s conditions for repentance, on the other hand, are so merciful, as to almost go unnoticed. Consider St. Luke’s report of the two thieves, on their crosses next to the crucified Jesus:
How Little it takes to ask for Forgiveness
One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise (emphasis added) (Luke 23: 39-49).
Barriers to Forgiveness
Psychological
Spiritual
Psychological Barriers
Current research psychology has helped us understand dysfunctional emotions such as anger have a cognitive theme and distorted irrational cognitive structures initiating them [Beck, A.T., Rush, S., Shaw, B. & Emery, G (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. NY: Guilford Press.];Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American Library; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus NJ: Lyle-Stuart.] Beck, for example found the theme of anger is significant intrusion. The angry individual perceives some one has intruded on them or on someone or something they love and possess that he considers to be an extension of himself. The value of what they consider significant is such, that they feel they have a “right” to be angry. This is an exalted state of self-importance by which people define themselves which gives them this “right.” It reveals an underlying postulate of self-definition that allows all anger to be justified.
Irrational Cognition Con’t
Added to the interpretive perception are evocative cognitive distortions such as selective focusing: disregarding some nice things someone has done while centering on an error they made; mind-reading: concluding, without proof, the reason for someone’s improper action was to “get at” the angry person and/or was directed to the person; fortune telling: predicting only unseemly things will happen to you and this will continue in the future; and catastrophizing: evaluating the errors, improper actions and unseemly behaviors of others as more that 100% bad. These distortions enable the individual to create ongoing irrational mental scenarios that fuel the anger emotion. (For further explanation of how these distortions trigger and interact with anger.Morelli, G. (2005, October 14). The Beast of Angerhttp://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php. & Morelli, G. 2007, December 02). Forgiveness is Healing http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-forgiveness-is-healing)
Spiritual Understanding of Significant Intrusion – ‘Anger’
The root cause cannot be made more clear than what St. John of the Ladder (1982) has told us: “Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the devil, contempt for men. … the source of anger, the gateway of hypocrisy.” (italics mine). St John Cassian calls the demon of pride ” … most sinister, fiercest of all … ” (Philokalia I).
Spiritual Cure of Anger: Humility
The ultimate model of humility is Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ. This was told to the Philippians by St. Paul who said:
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross (Philippians: 5-8).
St Silouan the Athonite
The reasoning mind, for example, will reject the commandment “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1) as nonsensical, urging that the faculty of being able to judge is a distinctive quality in man, making him superior to the whole world and affords him the power to dominate. [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press.]
St. John of the Ladder points out:
Pride makes us forget our sins … the remembrance of them leads to humility.” Thus we must heed the further words of St. John: “He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself from other man although he is a man himself. When a man’s will in union with the principle of nature in this way, God and nature are naturally reconciled. (St. John of the Ladder (1979). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. Boston: Holy Transfiguration Monastery)
St. Isaac the Syrian
“…the person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has reached the summit of humility.” (Brock, 1997) Brock, S. (1997). The Wisdom of St. Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press.
To bear a grudge and pray, means to sow seed on the sea and expect a harvest. http://www.roca.org?OA/137d.htm
St. Isaac the Syrian(1989)
But I say, if the merciful one is not also beyond justice, he is not merciful. That is, not only from his own part will he be merciful to others, but also he will endure injustice gladly and voluntarily. He will not establish and seek full justice in his dealing with his companion but will be merciful to him; because when he overcomes justice with mercy he will weave for himself a crown, not of those who are just according to the Law, but of the perfect according to the New Covenant
St. Silouan the Athonite.
St. Silouan tells us: “God is love, absolute love embracing every living thing in abundance. God is present in hell, too, as love. By allowing man to know this love, in so far as he is able, the Holy Spirit reveals to him the path to the fullness of being.” A short account, related by the saints biographer and cell attendant, Archimandrite Sophrony, of an exchange between the St. Silouan and a visiting hermit monk It shows the unfathomable depth of love God has and we should have toward all who have offended us: The hermit “declared with evident satisfaction that ‘God will punish all atheists. They will burn in everlasting fire.'”
Obviously upset, the Staretz said, “Tell me, supposing you went to paradise, and there you looked down and saw someone burning in hell-fire – would you feel happy?” “It can’t be helped. It would be their own fault,” said the hermit.
The Staretz answered him in a sorrowful countenance. “Love could not bear that,” he said. “We must pray for all.”
St. Silouan the Athonite
The demon of political anger
Political Outrages: a different class of offenses.. This included not only politicians, political parties, but even the citizens themselves of some countries. It is as if the realm of government and politics is on a completely different domain or level than that of one to one individual interaction. It is as if our Lord’s teaching on forgiveness should not extend to groups making up the political arena.
Deindividuation
Research psychology gives some insight about about why applying forgiveness to groups may be more difficult than to individuals. Individuals in groups are often de-individuated. [Diener, E., Fraser, S. C., Beaman, A. L. and Kelem, R. T. (1976). Effects of deindividuation variables on stealing among Halloween trick-or-treaters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 33(2), 178-183.]
We do not see them as individuals but as group members. They are without individual personhood. By definition ‘groups’ are an abstraction. Violent, destructive acts, and surely unforgiveness therefore, is more easily applied to groups and by members of groups to each other.
Fruit of Humility: Forgiveness
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness cannot be understood without understanding the nature of sin and it’s effects. St. Matthew (22: 37-40) records the words of Jesus: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” Sin is a breaking of God’s Laws to love Him and to love our neighbor, despite and in the face of His infinite Love for us.
What Forgiveness Does Not Mean
Forgiveness does not mean we forget, excuse, condone or demand some payback. Forgiveness does not mean we have ‘warm fuzzy’ feelings toward someone who may have offended us. It also does not mean we automatically ‘trust’ anyone to act appropriately. Trust is a process and has to be earned in time by experience. It also does not mean that the perpetrator of for offenses shown by scientific research that may to have no cure or have a high recidivism rate should be ‘re-established’ in the community in the same status, (occupation, style of life, etc.) the offender had before the offense. We have heard the expression ‘hate the sin but love the sinner.’ Actual Scriptural quote: “Yet this you have, you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.” (Rev 2: 6)
Condemn an Action, Not a Person
St. Dorotheos of Gaza [Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.]is able to describe this beautifully: “Condemning a man is saying: ‘he is a wicked liar, or he is an angry man, or he is a fornicator. For in this way he judges the condition of his soul and draws a conclusion about his whole life, saying it is of such a kind and condemns him as such. This is a very serious thing.. For it is one thing to say, ‘He got mad’, and another thing to say ‘He is bad tempered … ..” [emphasis mine]. He ‘got’ mad, is a problem to be and issue to be addressed. He ‘is’ bad tempered is a label of and condemnation of his being.
Aids to Forgiveness
The words of Christ on the cross are very telling in this matter. Our Lord said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Jesus was able to put himself in the mind of those calling for His death and actually crucifying Him. Each had their own reasons for participating in His death. Our Lord was able to take the perspective of his killers: they knew “not what they do.”
Taking The Perspective of the Other
Enright (2001) reports on research indicating taking the perspective of the persons who have offended has been shown to be a significant aid in leading to forgiveness. He recommends his patients to reflect on such questions as: “what life was like for him or her when growing up; what life was like for him or her at the time of the offense; what he or she is like when you … (see) him or her in a spiritual, religious sense.” This process which Enright calls taking perspective is similar to the psychological process of empathy, which may be defined as “thinking and feeling what the other is thinking and feeling.”Enright, R.D. (2001). Forgiveness is a Choice. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
EMPATHY & ATTENUATED AGGRESSION
Research by Hoffman, 1988; Eisenberg & Mussen 1989; and Greenberg, Kusche, Cook, & Quamma 1995; has linked increase in empathy to attenuated aggression. Cunningham (1985) has reported on successful application of empathy to ‘forgiveness’ in a pastoral setting. Cunningham, B.B. (1985). The Will to Forgive: A Pastoral Theological View of Forgiving. Journal of Pastoral Care. 39:141-149;Hoffman, M.L. (1988). Moral Development. In M.H. Bornstein & M.E. Lamb (Eds.), Developmental Psychology: An Advanced Textbook. (2nd ed., pp. 497-548). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum; Eisenberg, N., & Mussen, P.H. (1989). The Roots of Prosocial Behavior in Children. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press; Greenberg, M.T., Iusche, C.A., Cook, E.T. & Quamma, J.P. (1995). Promoting Emotional Competence in School-Aged Children: The Effects of the PATHS Curriculum. Development and Psychopathology, 7, 117-136.
Love of God-Love of Neighbor
Love of God, means to love Him with all our heart, mind and soul. Love of neighbor plain and simple means to use all our heart mind and soul to desire and work for the good and welfare of our neighbor.
Reconciliation Leads to Love
We are reminded of the wisdom of St. Isaac the Syrian (Brock, 1997): “Just because the terms ‘wrath’, ‘anger’, ‘hatred’ and the rest are used of the Creator in the Bible, we should not imagine that He actually does anything in anger, hatred or zeal. Many figurative terms are used of God in the Scriptures, terms which are far removed from His true nature. Among all God’s actions there is none which is not entirely a matter of mercy, love and compassion: this constitutes the beginning and end of His dealing with us.” May I add this should be the beginning and end of our relationships with all mankind in which we are all made in God’s image. Those who have offended most egregiously and performed the most horrific of offenses are to be loved the most. In this same spirit we have to be reconciled in love to those whom we have offended.
What Love is Not
Love is not a feeling. Love does not mean we condone or excuse or minimize evil acts. Love does not mean we have to be blind to the brokenness and sinful predilections of mankind. Did not Our Lord Himself tell his disciples: “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10: 16). We have to use our intelligence and be wise.
Examples of ‘What Love is not’
As indicated above in discussing what forgiveness does not mean, applying even the simple wisdom of our God given intelligence and experience, love (and forgiveness-reconciliation) does not mean for example, allowing an alcoholic to go back to his former occupation as a bartender, or a pedophile to be a child caretaker. This can be applied to many examples of inclinations that humans have that through modern scientific research have been found can be of potential harm to self and others: abuse, use of drugs, sexual problems, etc.
What Does it Mean for Us to Forgive?
Forgiveness does mean we make sure the offending individual, who has repented and shown sorrow for their sin or offense towards us is given physical, mental, and spiritual care. Even if some offender has not shown repentance and sorrow we are required to give them basic physical, spiritual and an even greater abundance of spiritual care. All are to be looked on as sons and daughters of God. All are given respect and courtesy. They are to be prayed for and approached by us in an attempt to reconcile. Repentant offenders, are given the Holy Mysteries of the Church so they can grow in grace and be in union with all the blessed in paradise. All at the very least are to be prayed for with all our heart, mind and soul that all who offended us can reach paradise
Indirect Ways Of Asking Forgiveness
It is crystal clear that humans do not start their physical, psychological or spiritual lives in a “perfect state.” The scientific study of human development suggests psychological growth occurs in stages and involves gradual bio-social-behavioral shifts and growth Cole, M., Cole, S. & Lightfoot, C. (2005). The Development of Children. NY: Worth.
The writings of the Church Fathers reveal that spiritual growth also takes place in steps or stages. The title of one of the classics of Eastern Orthodox spiritual wisdom, “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by St. John of the Ladder (579-649) bears out that spiritual development takes places as in Jacob’s dream: “And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!” (Genesis 28:12).
Shaping
Behavioral psychologists use a technique called “shaping” to bring about appropriate behavior. It involves rewarding small increments in desirable behaviors that are similar and lead to the correct appropriate behavioral goal [Morelli, G. (2005a, September 17). Smart Parenting Part 1. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting. Morelli, G. (2005b, October 14). The Beast of Anger. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php.]
It is important to start out with the level a person is capable of performing then rewarding the next step. For example, the parent of a child who tosses all their clothing on the floor might reward their child for picking up one clothing item, followed by another reward when the child picks up two items, until an entire messy room was cleaned up. The same principle holds true in both asking for, and giving, forgiveness. Not everyone will be able to start out with the desirable straight talking described above and must approach the process incrementally.
Different Starting Points
Some example of include: restarting friendly communication; doing something nice that unexpected by the other; offering to help on a problem; telling a humorous story; or suggesting resuming a previously halted activity. When someone reaches out even indirectly and is ignored, it usually is perceived as aversive by the person who has initiated the imperfect but desirable reaching out action. This decreases the likelihood the person will continue to grow and develop into either asking or giving forgiveness (Morelli, 2005a). For example, after some disagreement but before actual forgiveness is asked, one of the individuals may suggest going out for a walk. No doubt the ideal is straight talking. Yet, most people cannot jump to the top rung of the ladder. It is psychologically sound, and more importantly Christ-like to go along with our brothers and sisters in Christ – as well as all mankind (i.e. Jews, Moslems, atheists, etc.) — who are climbing the ladder one step at a time.
Application To Nations & Groups
The example above is based on one to one personal or family interaction. However political parties and nations themselves often act in similar ways. We see examples of nations that took years, decades, even centuries to either straight talk wrongs committed by themselves or to forgive the repenting nations. Many times small steps are taken even before this goal is reached such as increased trade, debt alleviation, medical or food supply help, disaster aid, etc. Other important first steps may be groups solving common problems [Sherif, M., Harvey, O.J., White, B.J., Hood, W.R. & Sherif, C.R. (1961). Intergroup Cooperation and Competition: The Robbers Cave] Experiment. Norman, OK: University of Oklahoma Press.and dissemination of favorable information about the groups to each other [Worschel, S, (1986). The Role of Cooperation in Reducing Intergroup Conflict. In S. Worschel & W. G. Austin (Eds.), Psychology of Intergroup Relations. Chicago, IL: Nelson-Hall.] These may be small, but significant steps in the forgiveness process. For a Christian viewing all mankind, despite intra-national or international group affiliation, as “children of God, made in His image and called to be like Him” is the most favorable information that could be received.
The Good Samaritan
God’s Tolerance Is Eternal
God tolerates sinners eternally because he is waiting for them to return to His eternal love. Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion (2009). Christ the Conqueror of Hell: The Descent to Hades from an Orthodox Perspective. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press. references a verse from the 6th Ode of the Holy Saturday Orthros (Lamentation) Service. In the Antiochian Orthodox usage the verse reads:
Verily, Hades ruled the race of man, but not forever; for thou, O mighty One, when thou wast placed in the grave didst demolish the locks of death with the palm of thy hand, O Element of Life, proclaiming to those sitting yonder from the ages a true salvation, having become, O Savior, the Firstborn of the dead. . . .
He then goes on to explain how the verse proclaims the boundless eternal mercy of God as understood by St. Gregory of Nyssa (and, by implication, St. Issac of Syria; Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.
The Purpose of Tolerance
The short answer is that God is waiting for us to love Him in response to His Love for us. The longer answer is given by St. Isaac of Syria:
So then, let us not attribute to God’s actions and His dealings with us any idea of requital. Rather we should speak of Fatherly provision, a wise dispensation, a perfect will which is concerned with our good, and complete love. If it is a case of love, then it is not one of requital; and if it is a case of requital, then it is not one of love. Love…. looks to what is most advantageous in the future: it examines what is to come, and not things of the past. (quoted by Alfeyev, 2000)
Expulsion from Paradise
We are called to interiorize God’s eternal readiness to forgive in our own lives.
At the very least praying for the good and welfare of all who have wounded us, or those whom we love and cherish is the first and minimum step we can take in forgiveness. [Morelli, G. (2007a, February 4) The Spiritual Roots of Altruism: The Good Samaritan.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-spiritual-roots-of-altruism-the-good-samaritan; Morelli, G. (2007b, April 03). The Psycho-Spirituality of Forgiving People and Nations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliForgiveness.php.]The icon of Forgiveness Sunday depicts Adam and Eve’s expulsion from Paradise, by God, because of their disobedience and pride. But it also depicts God’s readiness to forgive them.
Harvest of Forgiveness: Theosis
St. Silouan has pointed out that, “those who dislike and reject their fellow-man are impoverished in their being. They do not know the true God, who is all-embracing love.” St. Peter in his second epistle tells us what God has given us: “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness … and become partakers of the divine nature” (2 Peter 1:3-4). We know this is not participation or becoming God in His Being or Essence but sharing in the warmth and light of His “Divine Energy” Staniloae, D. (2003). Orthodox Spirituality: A Practical Guide For The Faithful And A Definitive Manual For The Scholar. South Canaan, PA: St. Tikhon’s Seminary Press
CHRIST: The Prince of Peace
CHRIST: THE HEALING PHYSICAN
CHRIST: The Prince of Forgiveness

Understanding Counseling in a Pastoral Setting

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli to the Clergy Retreat of the Romanian Orthodox Episcopate of America in Scottsdale, Arizona

November 8, 2011 by Archpriest George Morelli PhD

The high technology, secularist society we live in today poses many challenges to living Christ’s teachings, being committed to His Church, and living a Christ-like life family life. Even greater challenges are faced by the successors of the Apostles, the bishops and priests who are called to shepherd Christ’s Church in the modern world. By the grace of the Holy Spirit, may this resource be of some assistance to all called to minister to our communities in Christ.

TRANSCRIPT

Archpriest George Morelli, Ph.D.
GOD,HEALING ANDPRIESTLY MINISTRY
The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, One God, is magnificently summarized by St. John Chrysostom in his Divine Liturgy: “for Thou art God ineffable, inconceivable, invisible, incompr ehensible, ever existing and eternally the same.”
-The Son is the living, essential, and precisely similar Image of the invisible God, bearing the entire Father within Himself, equal to Him in all things, except that He is the Begetter. It is the nature of the Father to cause; the Son is the effect. The Father does not proceed from the Son, but the Son from the Father. The Father who begets is what He is because of His Son, though not in second place after Him.?
The Divine Persons and their communicative interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the Divine Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit cannot be conceived apart from each other, in as much as the Divine Essence will lead to Divine action (Divine Energy) and the creation of the cosmos and mankind itself. Mankind was created to be in communion with God and with one another. The depth of the Trinitarian communion of love, which is descriptive of their essence and which also will serve as the purpose of mankinds creation…
The Divine Persons are not added to another, they exist in one another: the Father is in the Son and the Son is in the Father, the Spirit is united to the Father together with the Son and completes the blessed Trinity as if He were ensuring the circulation of love within it. This circulation of love was called by the Fathers [Sts. Basil and Maximus the Confessor] perichoresis, another key word of their spirituality . . . Along with kenosis [emptying]. Perichoresis, the exchange of being by which each Person exists only in virtue of His relationship with the Others, might be defined as a joyful kenosis. The kenosis of the Son in history is the extension of the kenosis of the Trinity and allows us to share in it. Clement, O. (1993). The Roots of Christian Mysticism. Hyde Park, NY: New City Press.
The nature of their sin was that they looked to the creation rather than the Creator for the life (which includes knowledge and wisdom) that can only come from God. In fact, the Fathers posit that if Adam and Eve had obeyed God, they would have matured in understanding and discernment and eventually would have come to know good and evil without becoming captive to the evil.? The result of their disobedience was catastrophic. Adam and Eve lost the Spirit of God and became subject instead to the dust out of which they were created. Man became bound to the earth rather than its master. He was expelled from the Garden because knowing now only separation from God, he could no longer be part of its primordial harmony.
We share in the sin of Adam in that we are born into a world where the consequences of sin prevail. These consequences are not only the outward brokenness like disease and death, but interior disorder as well. Our nature is corrupted. We are subject to temptation, prone to sin (the passions), and share in death.
-when he has attained dispassion … he … has no further anxiety about the three that were divided, for now with God they have made peace with one another. These three are the soul the body and the spirit.? [Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds). (1979). The Philokalia, Volume 1: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]
StMacarius the Great, :”We can cultivate the ability to discern right and wrong if we understand the three movements which lead to passion: The first is a natural movement, inherent in the body, which does not produce anything sinful or burdening to the conscience, but merely lets it be known that it exists in the body” —such as hunger -The Teachings of the Holy Fathers on the Passions (1986). Richfield Springs, NY: Nikodemos Orthodox Publication Society
St. Mark the Ascetic: “Here we see that the natural appetite of the body innocently expresses itself: feeling the pangs of hunger, we prepare food and eat to fullness. Suddenly certain thoughts come to us involuntarily. Until our will consents, these thoughts constitute neither virtue or vice, but merely disclose the inclination of our will.” This is the reason I use the term biological substrate in discussing emotional disturbance and the passions. Orthodox anthropology that suggests that “natural movements,? “inclinations,” are the biological substrate of passions and further sins, etc. I do believe what are called “natural movements” are not the same as the “original nature” of man, but are a result of our fallen nature. These words of the Holy Fathers are pastorally and clinically useful in understanding the connection between body and spirit. [Philokalia I]
In the Orthodox Church, healing of the soul ranks higher than the healing of the body. In fact, the healing of the body is offered as a sign of His mercy and blessing to the person experiencing Gods healing and to inspire others to do His will. Healing is to be sought both through prayer and the application of physical sciences, but no complete healing is possible apart from the final resurrection of an individual because the sentence of death still reigns in the mortal body. Further, not all people are healed, despite fervent pleas to God and the applications of the best medicines. Sometime illness needs to be endured.
The Church Fathers give us insight into how we can use illness and the acceptance of mortality (death) to grow in Christ. St Ilias the Presbyter wrote: “Suffering deliberately embraced cannot free the soul totally from sin unless the soul is also tried in the fire of suffering that comes unchosen. For the soul is like a sword: if it does not go through fire and water (Psalm 66:12, LXX) — that is, by suffering deliberately embraced and suffering that comes unchosen — it cannot but be shattered by the blows of fortune” (Ilias the Presbyter,). We have to acquire an attitude of embracing both illness and the inevitable death of earthly life as part of Gods divine will for us. This is true not only for the sick, but also their loved ones who share in the suffering. In those cases where a healing does occur, it happens so that we may love God even more.[Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber. ]
Sometimes physical sickness is necessary to heal the soul. St. Maximus the Confessor wrote, “Suffering cleanses the soul infected with the filth of sensual pleasure and detaches it completely from material things by showing it the penalty incurred as a result of its affection for them. This is why God in His justice allows the devil to afflict men with torments.” The acceptance of our illness and death as Gods will is one means by which we embrace the saving grace of Christ. This is a hard saying to accept, but those who have suffered in Christ testify to its truth. Could we not allow that sometimes God understands what we do not understand?
The sacrament of priesthood is deeply significant…Despite the Orthodox emphasis on the =royal priesthood‘ of all believers, the Church also recognizes a difference between laypeople and ordained clergy, the latter being entrusted with the celebration of the Eucharist, and having the power of =binding and loosing‘. Ordination into a hierarchical rank, be it of bishop, priest or deacon, is not only a change of status but a transition to another level of existence.?? Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion. (2002). The Mystery of Faith: An Introduction to the Teaching and
[This] grace is so exceedingly great that were men able to see the glory of this grace, the whole world would wonder at it; but the Lord has veiled it that His servants should not be puffed up but find salvation in humility … Truly noble is a priest —- the minister at God‘s altar.? The words of Christ Himself given to his apostles and followers tell us of the consequences of receiving His gifts: -…to whom much is given, of him will much be required…? (Lk 12:48) [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]
Thus all who make up the visible Church on earth each a different function depending on God‘s grace. As St. Paul tells us: -Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of working, but it is the same God who inspires them all in every one. (1Cor 12: 4-6)
The Church founded by Christ and enlivened by the Holy Spirit at Pentecost is also hierarchical, that is to say made up of bishop, priest, deacon and those baptized into the royal priesthood. The teachings of Christ are understood and expressed in Council by the bishops and informed by the priests that surround them and confirmed by the people of God, the royal priesthood. This is done in union with the common teaching and common mind of the church as passed on through the apostles and Church Fathers.
Do thou Thyself, O Master, look down from heaven upon thou who have bowed their heads unto thee … heal the sick, Thou who art the physician of our souls and bodies
-We accept all those things which have been handed down by the Law and the Prophets and the Apostles and the Evangelists. We know and revere them, and over and above these things we seek nothing else.? St. John of Damaskos [Philokalia II]
St.Basil in his Divine Liturgy reminds all who surround the Holy Table: -Be mindful also, O Lord, of the Priesthood, the Deaconate in Christ, and every priestly rank, and put not to confusion any one of us who stand about Thy Holy Altar.? The ministry of service of the priest-bishop is to preach, teach, sanctify and pastor, that is to say lead the flock of Christ. But the grace that outflows from ordination is not personal but is effectuated by God.
Do thou, the same Lord, fill with the gift of Thy Holy Spirit this man whom it hath pleased thee to advance to the degree of Priest; that he may be worthy to stand in innocency before thine Altar; to proclaim the Gospel of Thy kingdom; t minister the word of Thy truth; to offer unto thee spiritual gifts and sacrifices; to renew thy people through the laver of regeneration.?
It is not Damasius, or Peter, or Ambrose or Gregory who baptizes. We are fulfilling our ministry as servants, but the validity of the sacraments depends upon you. It is not within human power to communicate the Divine benefits – it is your gift, O Lord.?
Consider the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk 10: 30-37): ?But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was; and when he saw him, he had compassion, and went to him…? Bishop Hierotheos Vlachos (1994) emphatically states: -In St. John Chrysostom‘s interpretation of this parable it is clearly evident that the Church is a Hospital which heals those sick with sin, while the bishops and priests, like the Apostle Paul, are the healers of the people of God.? Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994). Orthodox Psychotherapy: The Science of the Fathers. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
.the priest is properly a spiritual physician who cures people‘s sicknesses. Worship and sacrament must be placed within the therapeutic method and treatment.? Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1994).
Healing can only be enlivened with the reception of the Holy Mysteries of the Church. Holy Baptism; Chrismation; Eucharist, (reception of the very Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ); Holy Confession, (metanoia, repentance in mind, heart and action, true sorrow for sin and longing for and working on being in communion with God); Holy Unction, the quintessential Holy Mystery of healing in which the priest prays: -… this oil, that it may be effectual for those who are anointed therewith, unto healing and unto relief from every passion, of every defilement of flesh and spirit, and every ill; that thereby may be glorified Thine all holy Name, of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen;? Holy Orders, (ordination to the diaconate, priesthood, episcopacy) and Blessed Marriage, (male and female uniting to become one flesh, blessed by the Church).
Christ told His apostles, -It [domineering others] shall not be so among you but whoever would be great among you must be your servant? (Mt 20: 26). For as St. Paul told the Corinthians: -For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake.? This implies that we interiorize the compassion of Christ: -When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.? (Mt 9: 36). This recognizes that the priest and all who are true Christians -Put on then, as Gods chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another…?. (Col3: 12-13). For as St. Paul explains -if one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. (1Cor 12: 26-27)
For the priestly office is indeed discharged on earth, but it ranks amongst heavenly ordinances; and very naturally so: for neither man, nor angel, nor archangel, nor any other created power, but the Paraclete Himself, instituted this vocation, and persuaded men while still abiding in the flesh to represent the ministry of angels. Wherefore the consecrated priest ought to be as pure as if he were standing in the heavens themselves in the midst of those powers. Fearful, indeed, and of most awful import, were the things which were used before the dispensation of grace, as the bells, the pomegranates, the stones on the breastplate and on the ephod, the girdle, the mitre, the long robe, the plate of gold, the holy of holies, the deep silence within. But if any one should examine the things which belong to the dispensation of grace, he will find that, small as they are, yet are they fearful and full of awe, and that what was spoken concerning the law is true in this case also, that “what has been made glorious hath no glory in this respect by reason of the glory which excelleth.” For when thou seest the Lord sacrificed, and laid upon the altar, and the priest standing and praying over the victim, and all the worshippers empurpled with that precious blood, canst thou then think that thou art still amongst men, and standing upon the earth? Art thou not, on the contrary, straightway translated to Heaven, and casting out every carnal thought from the soul, dost thou not with disembodied spirit and pure reason contemplate the things which are in Heaven? Oh! what a marvel! what love of God to man! He who sitteth on high with the Father is at that hour held in the hands of all, and gives Himself to those who are willing to embrace and grasp Him. And this all do through the eyes of faith! [http://orthodoxchurchfathers.com/?mode=frames&query=Treatise%20on%20the%20 Priesthood&width=512]
SpiritualCounseling is based on Spiritual Fatherhood, which in turn is based on the relation ship of the Person‘s of the Holy Trinity among themselves, which starts with the Father who is the -Begetter.?
Knowledge of the Mysteries of God? Scrutinizing the heart? Summary of the teachings of St. Irenaeus [Hausherr, I. (1990), Spiritual Direction in the Early Christian East. Spencer, MA: Cistercian Publications.
MENTALHEALTHPROFESSIONALS
Typical Program
The Clinical Ph.D. program at Rutgers University is an American Psychological Association accredited training program. We are a member of the Academy of Psychological Clinical Science, a coalition of doctoral and internship training programs that share a common goal of producing and applying scientific knowledge [emphasis mine] to the assessment, understanding, and amelioration of human problems.
Clinicalfaculty conduct research on cognitive and behavior therapies, health psychology, psychophysiology, applied behavior analysis, prevention, substance abuse, emotional intelligence, cognitive functioning, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and autism. Students have the opportunity to work with child, adolescent, adult, and older adult populations in multiple research labs at Rutgers and affiliated institutions. The training approach relies heavily upon a mentorship model of training.
2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010Number of 345 340 354 273 244 260 296 275ApplicantsNumber 12 9 9 8 8 12 7 7OfferedAdmissionSize of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5IncomingClassNumber of 8 8 7 4 4 8 3 5IncomingStudentsReceivingFull Support
GRE Data 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010(AverageScores)Verbal 622 680 670 650 690 640 720 660Quantitativ 717 750 700 720 750 690 720 710e
PSY 2900 Professional Ethics? PSY 2445 Psychotherapy Research? PSY 3800 Psychometric Theory? PSY 2430 Cultural, Racial, and Ethnic Bases of Behavior? PSY 3250 Psychological Testing? PSY 2050 History of Psychology? PSY 1951 Intermediate Quantitative Methods? PSY 1952 Multivariate Analysis in Psychology? PSY 2040 Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology? PSY 2460 Diagnostic Interviewing? PSY 2420 Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Psychological Disorders?? Clinical students must also take one course in each of the following substantive areas: biological bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2480, Human Neuropsychology/Neuroanatomy; PSY 2450, Affective and Social Neuroscience; PSY 1808, Neurobiological Aspects of Psychopathology); social bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2500 Advanced Social Psychology); cognitive-affective bases of behavior (e.g., PSY 2400 Cognitive Psychology and Emotional Disorders); and individual differences (Required course PSY 2040 Contemporary Topics in Psychopathology fulfills the individual differences requirement for State licensure).?? In accordance with American Psychological Association guidelines for the accreditation of clinical psychology programs, clinical students also receive consultation and supervision within the context of clinical practica in psychological assessment and treatment beginning in their second semester of their first year and running through their third year. They receive further exposure to additional topics (e.g., human development) in the Developmental Psychopathology seminar and in the twice-monthly clinical psychology -brown bag? speaker series. Finally, students complete a year-long clinical internship.
Qualifying Examination before beginning Dissertation 16 hours (2 8 hr days)-Covers all areas in psychology? Dissertation Defense (Oral Test 2-3 hours)
Complete 3,000 hours of qualifying supervised professional experience, 1,500 of which must be accrued post-doctorally. For further information about supervised professional experience, please review section 1387 of the California Code of Regulations at http://www.psychboard.ca.gov/lawsregs/? Taking a written and oral state examination
Spiritual Ethos The Church Fathers teach that the intellect is a characteristic of the highest value, given by God, that a person can possess. Intellect does not mean high intelligence necessarily, but the faculty of intellect, namely, the ability to reason, distinguish, create, and all the qualities associated with it. Further, there is a moral imperative implied in their assessment. Since the intellect is a gift from God, we must exercise the intellect to the best of our ability. Neglecting the power of the intellect means we are not conforming to the will of God. Consequently, we must use the full measure of our intellects in the theory and practice of psychology.
By consensus the Church Fathers consider:? Intelligence to be related to the spiritual perception of God and that which is Godly and which is inspired by Him.? Reason is a faculty of the soul related to mind. It is discursive and uses logic. St. John of Damascus calls it a -sense of the soul,? also called -[a faculty]? Philokalia II
St. Maximus the Confessor taught: “the grace of the most Holy Spirit does not confer wisdom on the Saints without their natural intellect as capacity to receive it.” Goodness and wisdom is granted to man by his “volitive faculty, so that what He (Christ) is in His essence the creature may become by participation” [Philokalia II]
Since the rules that govern the world are written into the very fabric of creation and discerned by reason, the atheist, agnostic, or those committed to Christ can discover what they are. Uncovering them is not dependent on whether or not one believes in God. Use of a faculty (reason) in which we are made in God‘s image makes it a Godly task.
What is termed the “scientific method” is the procedure by which scientific inquiry takes place. The scientific method is not static, but dynamic and ever changing that is refined as scientists get better at doing the “work of science.” In psychology for example, as recent as thirty years ago only individual research studies were done. In the last few years researchers have been able to take the results of many individual studies to analyze the effects as a single study in a statistical procedure called “meta-analysis” Advances like this frequently occur.
Observations. Observations are defined by the procedures used in measuring or assessing a subject; e.g. the intelligence of an individual is defined operationally by the score on a valid and reliable intelligence test.? Hypothesis. These are assumptions or guesses as to how observations are related to each other to predict observable and measurable outcomes.? Falsifiability: A hypothesis must be falsifiable. A “good hypothesis” can be falsified while a “bad outcome” cannot be falsified.
Data Collection. Individuals chosen to be subjects in studies should be randomly selected. Subjects need informed consent but should be unbiased so as not to influence the outcome of a study. Researchers also have to be unbiased. Further, extra factors (variables) have to be eliminated in the studies. For example, say a researcher is studying whether a new vitamin promotes growth and designs a study so that only males makeup the vitamin group (the group taking the vitamin) while females makeup the control group (the group taking a placebo). The study is biased because an equal number of both sexes should makeup both groups.? Data Analysis and Reporting. Measurements are analyzed, interpreted, and reported by accepted statistical methods. If the predicted outcome occurs this is considered support for the hypothesis.? Special Studies. Strictly speaking, case studies, correlation investigations, naturalistic observations, questionnaires, and surveys are not experiments. They are the source of the hypotheses that lead to experimental investigations.
Psychoanalysis • Circular Reasoning • Reification
It is unethical, negligent, immoral, and sinful to use non-scientific psychological methods for the treatment of mental disorders, for educational purposes, to promote family & social functioning, provide pastoral care and other efforts toward behavior change. Only when psychological methods are submitted to scientific discipline can they be considered reputable, trustworthy, and ultimately helpful.? Mental health practitioners must keep up with the scientific research in their field. Likewise educators and parents should know the techniques shown to be effective with their families and children. Clergy should be informed of real scientific interventions to aid their pastoral ministry and make proper referrals.
Bishop Hierotheos (1998) states that the use of contemporary psychology to guide men is a secular view of pastoral care and cannot substitute for asceticism and the hesychasm (silence) taught by the Church. God as both the source and end of a persons healing and sets the precepts of sound psychological practice squarely where it belongs: in the tradition of the Church., “Pastoral care is the work of the Church…it is the Churchs method for guiding men toward deification.”? Scientific psychology is not a substitute for the asceticism, the spiritual wisdom of the Church Fathers, hesychaism (silence), prayer, the Holy Mysteries (sacraments), all the constituents that make up life in the Church. Rather it complements the teachings about how the Christian life ought to be lived. Scientific psychology is a tool, based on our God given reason, to foster communion with God. In the spirit of St. Luke and all the physicians of the Church: healing should lead to thanksgiving and blessing towards God.? Vlachos, Bishop Hierotheos, (1998). The Mind of the Orthodox Church. Lavadia, Greece: Birth of the Theotokos Monastery.
A Primer on Principles of Behavior? A Primer on Cognitive-Behavioral-Emotive Interaction
All must be done in the spirit of an “Orthodox Family Culture-: the totality of family actions, behaviors and beliefs should be permeated by Orthodox teachings and practice. By marriage the Orthodox couple is =ordained‘ so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox home and family a =domestic church‘, a =little church in the home.‘ The Orthodox wedding prayer states: “Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair children for education in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God]. By daily prayer together, scripture reading, attendance at Divine Liturgy and Services and bringing a Christian view of world events into the family, Christ can be at the center of every home.
Parents should inform their children what are the behaviors they want from their children. Reasonable boundaries should be set and then maintained by cognitive-behavioral management techniques. These techniques are based on behavioral science research. God made us in His image and we are called to be like Him. The Church Fathers have told us that one of the important ways we are made in His image is in our reason and free will. Therefore when we use the tools and techniques science offers us we are conforming to the image of God in which He made us. Also did not Our Lord tell us to “be wise as serpents” (Mat. 10:16)? Using behavioral science tools in Christs name is surely following His Divine Will.
Parents want their children to behave appropriately. We have to have in mind exactly what behaviors are appropriate and/or inappropriate. These behaviors (and their boundaries or limits) will change depending on the age, maturity, peers, and culture of the child, surroundings and family. As a general rule, boundaries grow with age. A little visual graphic of a series of boxes from small to large may be useful in explaining this. A child has freedom within the box, The sides represent the boundaries (set by parents, society and our Orthodox Christian morality). As a child gets older the box gets bigger. Note however that there are still boundaries. [This is true even as adults.] As a rule the boundaries should be enforceable and not too different from the childs peer group. For example, bedtime set at 7:00 PM for a 13 yr old is to small a box, 1:00 am would be to large a box (more suited for someone almost 18 years with supervision). Unrealistic boundaries undermine the authority and credibility of parents and invite rule breaking.
Behavioral Pinpointing is what is: • Said • Done • When • Where? The abstraction trap has to be avoided: • Use of general terms: -be good,? or -don‘t be bad.?
-Pinpointing” behavior is usually the most difficult for parents to learn. The definition is easy: what is the child doing or saying, when, and where. It is the opposite of general descriptions. For example, describing a toddlers eating as “good” is totally useless. Telling a child “You were bad today …” is equally meaningless. Words like “good, bad, hostile, considerate …etc.” are all abstract words: meaningless for behavioral management. If a teacher reports back to you that your son was hostile today. What does this mean? It could mean anything from the child using some rude word to a classmate, to picking up a baseball bat and hitting someone. These are examples of pinpointed statements: “While standing on the lunch line John kicked Sheila”; “While sitting at dinner Todd placed his milk glass an inch from the edge of the table and he hit into it when he swung around.”
In giving instructions, parents often fall into the “abstraction trap”: “When we get to Grandmas I want you to be “good” today. Compare this to a behavioral pinpointed instruction. “Elizabeth, when we get to Grandmas I want you to play with your Barbie doll at the table and if you want something to eat or drink I want you to ask Mommy or Daddy. OK. Remember dont leave your play area unless you ask first.” The child knows exactly what is expected from him or her. (This is also true for adults. Poor spouses, managers etc. ask others to “try harder” or be “more detailed” or “care more;” not realizing these terms are abstractions, having many different possible interpretations, and are ineffective in communication and in facilitating behavior change)
The events that follow a behavior will determine if the behavior gets stronger or weaker. There are basically two types of events that follow behavior: Rewards (or reinforcements) and punishments.
Positive(+) Reinforcement: Behaviors (good or bad) increase when followed by a pleasant (to the child) consequence? Negative (-) Reinforcement: Behaviors (good or bad) increase when followed by taking away an unpleasant (to the child) consequence
Positive(+) Punishment: Behaviors (good or bad) are decreased when followed by an unpleasant (to the child) consequence.? Negative (-) Punishment: Behaviors (good or bad) are decreased when taking away a pleasant (to the child) consequence.
If a child places their dirty dishes in the sink (a good behavior) and the parent says “Mary, I am proud of you for putting your dish in the sink,” (and the child smiles noting pleasure at the praise) such good behaviors will increase. But suppose Joseph is told to drink his milk and he defiantly says “No” (a bad behavior) and you say “Yes you will” and he says “No” again (not only a bad behavior but now an additional bad behavior because he is talking back to you) and you say again “I told you, you will drink your milk” Such bad behaviors will increase. Why? Because they are followed by rewarding consequences. The parent is attending to bad behavior. [Note. In this case Joseph should be told ahead of time the consequence of not drinking his milk, (or better: the favorable consequence or outcome of drinking his milk) “Joseph if you dont drink your milk you will have an extra garbage chore to do.” (or “You will not watch your 7:00 PM TV show.” (alternatively: “Joseph, if you drink your milk, we will do your garbage chore for you today,” or “You will get to watch that show on TV at 7:00 PM that you wanted.”] Simply say it once and then apply the consequence.
Parents also want to decrease bad or inappropriate behaviors. This is done my making sure unpleasant or unfavorable events (punishments) follow inappropriate behaviors. Mike is playing Nintendo instead of doing his homework. His parent may say “Well Mike you decided to play instead of doing your homework, you will loose Nintendo for one day until this time tomorrow. (punishment) If you do your homework tomorrow right after school and finish by 5:00 PM you can earn back the Nintendo game.” (This is expressed as reward for appropriate behavior). There is a very important lesson in this example. When using punishment a parent must make sure that it is followed by rewarding appropriate behavior. Research has shown that punishment by itself is ineffective. Also at all times punishment should be said in a soft tone (unemotionally). Follow the advise of Teddy Roosevelt: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” In this example the “stick” is simply the consequences of the inappropriate behavior. (e.g. in the loss of the Nintendo game).
The child cognitively focused on the relation between his/her behavior and the consequence. If the parent gives the consequence in an angry tone the child thinks “Boy is Mom or Dad mean” … they are right and the child just lost the connection between their own inappropriate behavior and punishment. The childs attention is now focused on the parent (and the mean tone of voice).? The child does not learn and resentment builds.? Often angry behavior modeled by the parent is performed by the child. This angry behavior would be considered by the parent as inappropriate for the child to display. If this happens the parent has lost out twice (the child does not learn the original homework-Nintendo connection and is instead learning (from the parent ) that angry behavior is OK.
Children are especially susceptible to being influenced by modeling (also known as observational learning) although the effects of modeling occur at all ages. Psychological research has found substantial support for the influence of modeling in childrens learning and resultant performance (Bandura, 1986) The work of Gerald Patterson (Patterson, DeBarsyshe & Ramsey, 1989) suggests that prosocial as well as deviant social behavior is heavily influenced by observing the social exchanges in the family, as well as the childs temperament, parental discipline style and personality, and the social context of the family. [Bandura, A. (1986).Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall; Patterson, G.R., DeBarsyshe, B.D., & Ramsey, E. (1989). A developmental perspective on antisocial behavior. American Psychologist, 44, 329-335]
Children are among the greatest hypocrisy detectors in the world. When they witness and experience a discrepancy between what they are taught by Christ and His Church and what is practiced in the Domestic Church the consequences are spiritually and morally devastating. The disconnect is immediately seen. The childrens faith in the credibility of the Christian understanding of husband-wife, father- mother, family life and/or the moral authority of Christ and the message of His Church is shattered. Contemplate Our Lords dire warning: “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung round his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” (Mk 9:42).
Shaping is defined as the rewarding of successive approximations of the correct response. I purposely used the example of the milk glass and the plate above. It is an example almost every parent will recognize because it is frequently in such a situation that parents first encounter this problem. Invariably, most children place their milk glass at the very edge of the table next to their plates. Invariably children fidget, twist, and swing around with body and arms. Invariably the milk glass is hit and the milk spills all over. Sometimes I almost think there has been more milk spilt than has gone into their childrens little bellies.
Consistency means applying these techniques as close to 100% of the time as humanly possible. In clinical-pastoral settings, in order to make the point of how important consistency is, I will sometimes rather dramatically say to parents: “I dont want 95% consistency or 99.5 % consistency nor 99.9% consistency, but 100% consistency.” Consistency is most important when learning new behaviors. It is also most important when dealing with problematic inappropriate behaviors. But individual differences in strength of appropriately-learned behavior are also very important and must be taken into account when applying the consistency tool.
A favorable psychological or spiritual result can be brought about by acquiring the skill of assertiveness to communicate viewpoints and feelings. Assertiveness is defined as an honest and true communication of real feelings in a socially acceptable way. This definition has two qualifications: 1) The assertive utterance should be pleasant, or at least neutral, in tone of voice (also called pragmatics of speech); and 2) only delivered when pleasant or neutral communication fails to bring about the desired result. If this approach fails, only then should an escalation of words and increasing communication pragmatics (tone of voice, volume, pitch, etc.) be employed.? For the Christian a third corollary applies: All assertive pragmatics must be done in the love of Christ which includes patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control – what is known in scriptural terminology as the “fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5: 22-23)” (Morelli, G. (2006c, July 02). Assertiveness and Christian Charity.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliAssertiveness.php.).
The Problem: At times a family member, or even someone outside the family will stubbornly insist on his or her own viewpoint and be intent to prove the other wrong. It almost appears like warfare in which the insisting one will not back off until their spouse or child declares “unconditional surrender.” Morelli, (2010a) discussed a very effective communication tool in dealing with such situations. It can be used in situations in which your point of view is rejected outright. It is called the disarming technique:
fter expressing your view to a person and it is rejected, disarming becomes a powerful way to deflect conflict. Basically it makes a neutral statement about the other individual‘s response. One does not have to agree to what was said and what you consider false, so truth as you see does not have to be compromised. This is especially important if the truth you expressed and that was rejected by another individual reflects the orthodox teaching of Christ and His Church. Some representative Disarming Responses: -Hum! That‘s an idea;? -That is one way of looking at it;? -That‘s a possibility;? -That‘s a point to consider.? If the person you are communicating with is a friend and you want to maintain the friendship and they keep pursuing the point a last effort communication might be: -Well if we want to keep our friendship, we will just have to agree to disagree on this point.? [Morelli, G. (2010, April 09). The Disarming Technique. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-the-disarming- technique]
With Godly insight into the problem of what we today are calling consistency, St. John Chrysostom, using the vocabulary of his day, warns parents about providing “external safeguards of wealth and fame”, what we have been calling rewards, which shield them from “the winds.”? In the words of the golden-mouthed Saint:? -Dont surround them with the external safeguards of wealth and fame, for when these fail — and they will fail — our children will stand naked and defenseless (Morelli: never having learned responsibility), having gained no profit from their former prosperity, but only injury, since when those artificial protections that shielded them from the wind are removed they will be blown to the ground in a moment. Therefore wealth is a hindrance, because it leaves us unprepared for the hardships of life. So let us raise our children in such a way that they can face any trouble and not be surprised when difficulties come.”?
Authoritarian? Authoritative? Neglectful? Permissive? Morelli, G. (2006, February 4). Smart Parenting Part II: Behavioral Management Techniques. www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting2.php.? [Morelli, G. (2009, May 22). Smart Parenting XVI: Styles of Parenting http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/smart-parenting-xvi-styles-of-parenting ]
This parenting style communicates and explains household rules to the child in a respectful and warm, but firm, tone. Often communicating the consequences of non-compliance is enough to influence behavior (Morelli, 2006). Research shows this to be the most effective parenting style (Baumrind, 1991). Parents who use the Authoritative Style set boundaries and even high standards for their children. However, these parents are less concerned with having obedient children as an entitlement of their parenthood, as they are with shaping the behavior of their children for the child‘s good and welfare. They are attentive to their child‘s point of view, but will then explain the reason for the family rules which have been set. Within the boundaries of the family rules which have been explained to the child, they encourage the child to make their own decisions, be autonomous, individualistic and independent. They are less likely to employ physical punishment, but are adept and skillful in applying rewards and punishments in a scientific (and spiritually sound [Baumrind, D. (1991). -Parenting Styles and Adolescent Development,? in J. Brooks- Gunn, R. Lerner & A. C. Petersen (eds.), The Encyclopedia on Adolescence, 746–758. New York: Garland.]
Ourperceptions or interpretations of events trigger our emotional responses and our subsequent behaviors? Rational Perceptions: Functional emotions and behaviors? Irrational Perceptions: Dysfunctional emotions and behaviors
Christian parents must use the scientific understanding of human behavior in a synergia with authentic communion with Christ and His Church and the expression of genuine Christian love for their children.
Selective Abstraction? Arbitrary Inference? Personalization? Polarization? Generalization? Demanding Expectations? Catastrophizing? Emotional Reasoning? Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. NY: Guilford; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.; Morelli, G. (2006, March 25). Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliParenting3.php.
Selective abstraction is focusing on one event while excluding others. An example would be a parent that selectively focuses on a bad grade their child just received on their report card, while ignoring good grades in other subjects. This irrational perception might lead to anger or depression. Such a parent might lash out at the child instead of praising the child for the good grades the child received and coming up with a solution to improve the bad grade.
Arbitraryinference is drawing a conclusion unwarranted by the facts in an ambiguous situation. A parent, in a situation similar to the one described above, might conclude the childs next grade report would continue to be unsatisfactory. This would lead to further anger and depression.
Personalization is attributing an event that occurs in personal and subjective terms. For example, a father may become angry or depressed thinking that her child is deliberately getting bad grades to “get back at him.” A typical statement that reveals personalization is taking place is, “why are you doing this to me?” The parent immediately personalizes the statement with no evidence that the child was deliberately trying to do this.
Polarization is perceiving or interpreting events in all or nothing terms. A parent may become depressed after the child receives a B rather than A on the childs report card and feel that the child is a poor student. This parent polarizes events into two categories, in this case good student vs. bad student, and fails to see that all events can be graded on a continuum that extends beyond the two poles. On such a scale a B grade is closer to an A than to an F, for example
Generalization is the tendency to see things in always or never categories. A parent becomes depressed when viewing their childs bad behavior. The parent irrationally concludes that the child will “never change and will always” be the same. The dysphoria may lead to a self defeating pattern of behavior which further distances the parent and her child thereby setting herself up for the very thing she did not want: a badly behaving child.
Demanding Expectations are beliefs that there are laws or rules that have to be obeyed. For example, a parent may be depressed because his child talked back to him. They may (irrationally) believe that a universal law disallows the back talk and, once broken, allows the parent to become upset. The parent forgets that obedience cannot be coerced. Even God asks, rather than compels, us to obey Him; a contingency that exists because mankind is created free (another characteristic of man being created in the image and likeness of God, Morelli, 2006). [Morelli, G. (2006, March 6). Asceticism and Psychology in the Modern World. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles6/MorelliMonasticism.php]
Catastrophizing is the perception that something is more than one hundred percent bad, terrible or awful. Citing the example above, a parent who reacts to her sons talking back as if its the end of the world falls into catastrophic thinking. The response is usually an out of control anger.
Emotional Reasoning is the judgment that feelings are facts. A parent may feel that her child does not like her. When she is asked how she knows this the response is usually that “my feelings are always right.” She confuses the =reality‘ of her feelings with the tools needed to objectively prove a fact (which feelings are incapable of doing). An effective response that clarifies the distinction to a person bound to emotional reasoning is, “No matter how strongly some people felt at the world was flat, (before 1492 AD) the world was really round. =Feeling‘ that something is true does not mean that it =is‘ true.
Once parents recognize their thinking is distorted (distorted cognitions) regarding their children, they have to change or restructure the irrational thinking. Three questions can be posed to help them change their thinking: • Where is the evidence? • Is there any other way of looking at it? • Is it as bad as it seems?
A parent concludes (arbitrary inference) that after a bad grade their childs performance will never improve (generalization). Answering the three questions might help the parents come up with a more rational approach and be less angry or depressed.? The parent might reason:? -True my child did get a poor grade, but with the teachers help and specific tutoring my child could improve and raise his grade. Another way of looking at it is I do not even know why the poor grade was earned. If I talk to the teacher and find out more, maybe we can find a solution to the problem. It is not as bad as it seemed a moment ago. I see I can do something about it.?? Following this change in thinking (called: cognitive restructuring process), parents begin to feel less angry, anxious, and depressed. They become more behaviorally pro-active in dealing with their childs problem.
Special considerations are necessary for demanding expectations and Catastrophizing occurs. Parents with demanding expectations frequently try to impose (sometimes forcibly) a personal set of rules on their children. Laws of nature like gravity are inviolate. God made the universe to function by these laws. Social laws and norms however, are of a different type. They implicitly recognize a persons capacity for freedom, particularly his volition in determining whether or not to obey them. Man cannot violate the natural laws like gravity, but he is free to disobey Gods commandments as well as social norms, laws, and family rules.
Neither God nor Godly parents want these social rules to be disobeyed. The behavioral management techniques discussed above are intended to help parents teach their children to obey Gods commandments and the reasonable family rules set by parents.? The recognition that obedience to the commandments of God as well as the reasonable norms of society cannot be coerced is not meant to diminish a persons responsibility toward them. Understanding that the expectation of obedience functions as a =preference‘ rather than a =demand‘ however, avoids the emotional overreactions triggered by Demanding Expectations and Catastrophizing.
When the rich young man did not follow our Lords counsel, the Gospels do not report that Jesus displayed a “hot” emotion. If anything, the emotion of Jesus could be described as disappointed but “cool” (Matthew 19: 16-30). If this were a parenting situation, it would be an opportunity to use the previously discussed behavioral management tools.
A special cognitive technique has been shown to be effective with catastrophizing (Burns 1989, Morelli, 2004). (When actual trauma situations in a family occur frequently the priest or a mental health clinician will be involved; a situation addressed below.) The technique involves evaluating the situations on a zero to 100 scale, with zero being the most pleasant thing event that could imagined. Burns, D.D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. NY: William Morrow.
Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event (zero). Sitting on a sun drenched tropical beach is a typical image. They often need help however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic terms. Parents seldom have trouble imaging a very pleasant event (zero). They often need help however, imaging a worst event scenario (100) in graphic terms.? In pastoral and clinical counseling I use of the example of the particularly horrifying death of a medical missionary in South East Asia several years ago to help parents create their Mental-Ruler. After starvation failed to kill the physician quickly, his captors placed chopsticks in his ears and hammered them in a little each day, until the chopsticks penetrated his brain, resulting in an agonizing death.
Parents will frequently say the untimely death of their child is the most awful thing on earth. The word “death” is an abstract sanitized (and therefore useless) term.
The priest should take care not to inadvertently endorse a catastrophic mental ruler appraisal. The loss of a child is a bad thing. Appropriate sorrow and grief is a natural and normal human reaction. Unless the type of death the child suffered reaches the 100 point on the “Mental Ruler Scale” however, it is less than the most terrible thing that could happen to a person.? In the case of the death of a child the parish priest or clinician would usually be available to the family during this time. It is important to let the grieving process occur and allow the parents and loved ones to express their deep feelings. Pastoral or clinical intervention during this time would be highly inappropriate. Simply being in the presence of the grieving parents and family with compassionate love, support, and prayer, would be an appropriate application of Christs healing ministry.? A priest may unintentionally say something like, “Oh! isnt it awful,” or “Oh! How unbelievably terrible,” thereby adding to the hurt of the grieving parent. An more appropriate response would be “I am sorry for your loss, may God have mercy on us, may your child be numbered among His loved ones,” to avoid affirming and contributing to the Catastrophizing the parents display.
Further, catastrophic evaluations frequently broadcast a lack of commitment to Christ. As true followers of Christ, Orthodox Christian parents must understanding that God who freely gives life also calls us all back to Him. No one has the right to even a single breath not to mention a set number of years of life.
-When I see Christians cry because their fathers passed away, I am upset, for they neither believe, nor understand that death is simply a journey to a life of another kind. Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain. Mt. Athos, Greece. Holy Mountain Press.
Let us glorify and worship Jesus, the Word of God, Who, according to His love, came to save us by His cross, and is coming again to resurrect Adam‘s children in the great day when His majesty shall shine forth.
All events, even tragic ones, have some meaning. God can make all things new – even out of the worst tragedies (Revelation 21:5). We have to trust in God and his purposes. It falls on the priest to use spiritual as well as psychological means to aid parents who are struggling with the meaning of the death of their child.? For parents who are trying to master emotion management, prayer, selected spiritual reading, and the holy mysteries have to be the foundation of any psychological change. Parents are called to experience God in their hearts. If God indwells in us, all things are possible. The words of our Lord can motivate us to learn the sometimes difficult task of emotional control: “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
The Blessed Orthodox Marriage
HUMAN LOVE IS INCORPORATED INTO THE KINGDOM OF GOD- DIVINE LOVE? ST. CLEMENT OF ALEXANDRIA: -HOUSE OF GOD?: -I AM IN THE MIDST OF THEM? [MT 18:20]
MARRIAGE IS THE IMAGE OF GOD‘S FAITHFUL LOVE FOR ISRAEL? THE CROWNING: JOY: THE COUPLE IN A SPIRIT OF LOVE IS UNITED FOR ETERNITY; TRANSFORM THEMSELVES INTO THE LIKENESS OF GOD BY EMMANUAL (GOD WITH US) [IS 7:14] =DANCE AROUND THE GOSPEL BOOK MARTYRDOM: ENORMOUS SELF SACRIFICE: THE COUPLE BECOME MARTYRS IN THEIR OWN RIGHT: KENOSIS-THE SELF EMPTYING CHRIST
The Orthodox Wedding Ceremony. After praying that the servant and handmaiden be united by God, the priest continues: -Unite them in one mind and one flesh, and grant them fair children for education in thy faith and fear [acknowledging the awesome, transcendent God].
Bytheir marriage Orthodox couple is ordained so to speak or commissioned to create an Orthodox home and family (The Domestic Church). This is the vocation of Orthodox marriage.
The existence of a -home church? dating from Apostolic times comes right from St. Paul. In his instruction to the Romans (16:3,5) he says: -Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus, … greet also the church in their house.? And to the Corinthians (16:19) he says: -The churches of Asia send greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the church in their house, send you hearty greetings in the Lord. -.
Thisrequires that parents not only be hearers of the Word, but also doers of the Word. They must learn the way of God, particularly His design for marriage and family through study, prayer, being united to His Church through obedience, reception of its Holy Mysteries and practice of the spiritual life.
Ideally, a true Orthodox Christian domestic church in our day should look like (but is not limited to) something like this: Jesus Christ is at the center or hub. Husbands, and wives, as such, and as fathers and mothers, should be the leaders of the “church at home” in Christs name. They should bless one another and their children, bless the food which is partaken, give thanksgiving for all that God has provided (house, furnishings, etc.), thank God for health and talents, and lead by the sanctity of their conduct as well as their words.
No catechesis can take place without the full deployment of the Domestic Church. The Orthodox family home has to reflect in its entirety the teachings of Christ and the application of these teachings as understood by His Church in the world today. Formal parish catechetical lessons usually at best may last 45 minutes to 1 hour a week. The number of hours in an entire week is 168 hours. Considering of the importance of models in shaping behavior, how much impact can a 1 hour Church School have when it is not reflected in the family lifestyle during the other 167 hours comprising the week?
It all begins with pre-marital counseling? Evaluation of • Commitment • Loyalty • Moral values • Sexual intimacy • Importance of the God, the teachings of Christ and His Church • Romance
Companionship• Forgiveness• Trust• Respect• Sensitivity• Sex-Gender roles• Physical attractiveness• Sexual faithfulness• Faithfulness during times of trial and tribulations
AsI turned my attention to the problems of couples, I found that they showed the same kind of thinking aberrations— cognitive distortions—as my depressed and anxious patients…they were unhappy, tense and angry…they tended to fixate on what was wrong with their marriages and disregard—or blind themselves to—what was good.? Beck, A.T. (1988). Love is Never Enough. NY: Harper & Rowe
Romantic Love? Togetherness? Romantic Fulfillment? Fear of Being Alone? Rejection Phobia? Inclusion? Trapped? Perfectionism? Disapproval
Permission Seeking? Domination/Submission? Pleasing Others? Anti-Negotiation? ENTITLEMENT? RECIPROCITY? NAGGING? Help Addiction? Superman/Superwoman
Achievement? Romantic Personalization? Parental Personalization? Conflict Phobia? Justice? Coercion? Hopelessness/Helplessness? Ultimatum? Disclosure Demand
Truth? Sameness? Disclosure Phobia? Mind-Reading
THE UNHOLY TRINITY: • ENTITLEMENT • RECIPROCITY • NAGGING
You feel you deserve love, happiness, respect, because of your -title? (mother- father/husband-wife) and when people do not live up to your expectations you have the right to feel angry and taken advantage of.? Antidote: Preferences based on love and people‘s freedom
You feel you have the right to have others do for you if you have done something for them even if they never agreed or even knew about it —-a unilateral contract? Antidote: be upfront tell people what you want if you want them to do something for you before you do something
You feel expressing persistent reminders is the best way to get others to do what you want – people in order to maintain control over their lives will frequently do the opposite of what you want? Antidote: After a single preplanned cue, giving people freedom to be part of the decision making process regarding their own behavior.
The “Preference Scale” is a tool I developed years ago in my clinical and pastoral practice to help couples negotiate the conflicts and collaborate on the problems that marriage inevitably imposes. This tool can foster effective communication and eventual compromise between husband and wife. The clinician, chaplain, or pastor can help a couple master the tool, particularly in terms of “debriefing,” where the couple develops a deeper understanding of previous conflicts that helps them learn how to handle future conflicts in more constructive ways.
The scale runs from +10 down to -10:? +10 +9 +8 +7 +6 +5 +4 +3 +2 +1 [0] -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10? On the plus side of the scale activities or events that a spouse likes are rated; the greater the like, the higher the positive number. On the minus side activities or events that are disliked are rated; the greater the dislike, the higher the negative number. Morelli, G. (2007, June 5). Good Marriage IV: The “Preference Scale” – A tool . for Communication, Negotiation and Collaboration. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7/MorelliSmartMarriageIV.php
Staying focused involves each spouse understanding the core view or the other and not focusing on tangential issues.? Case Study Presenting Problem: • Several years ago I counseled a couple that was unhappy, particularly the wife who initiated the counseling. She described the source of the unhappiness in her marriage as her “husbands obsession with golf.” She indicated that he played golf every chance he got and that when he got home he was so tired he had no energy for anything else. She “hated” his golf friends and blamed them for her husbands “obsession.”
In many marriages, the targets of this type of mis- focus include, friends, family, work, recreational activities, even church. This is not to say that these areas may not be a problem. For example, if a husband has a friend who influences him to frequent an adult lounge after work, his wife would correctly assess that this is not an appropriate friendship for her husband in terms of strengthening their marital bond. The moral orientation of this friend is a large problem, so much so that the friend would be seriously detrimental to a marriage in Christ. The wife would deal with this problem in terms of the debasing nature of the entertainment, as well as the detrimental influence of the friend on her husband. In situations other than these however, it is important to communicate only her real needs or desires in their relationship.
If a couple really believes that love is no more than experiencing their love initial attractions over and over again, then when those feelings subside (and they will), they tend to believe that the value of their marriage has declined as well.? When the idea takes hold, the couple becomes susceptible to feelings that undermine deeper commitment. Disappointment ensues, and the couple may find it increasingly difficult to enjoy activities together. Sometimes anger arises leading to more conflict and even greater disappointment. Sooner or later one or both of the spouses concludes that the love is gone and the marriage is over. Researcher Aaron Beck (1988) described this corruptive cycle:? -There are several kinds of expectations that operate at different stages of a marriage. The early, romantic expectations concern loving and being loved — continuously. One of lifes cruel deceptions is the myth that the intense idealization and infatuation that draw a couple together will guarantee a loving relationship over the years.?
In some marital relationships, however, togetherness is not defined as a union of one flesh in Christ. Instead, the partners believe that marital happiness and satisfaction are acquired through an “incestuous sameness” They believe that a marriage flourishes and that a sense of personal worth and values occurs only through experiencing an intense love by their partner of their identical interests, enjoyments, and pursuits. They have in mind not just an ordinary caring and love, but a notion of caring, affection and togetherness that has a desperate character to it.
Alongside this view of “desperate caring” is the belief that being alone is distressing, deficient, unfavorable and fearful (phobia). Persons holding such conceptions and experiencing the accompanying emotions play a game with those around them. If they think their spouse has intense love for them and shares their interests, they are happy. If they think their spouses love is not intense enough or has different interests, they view themselves as not worthwhile. Feelings of self-worth sail back and forth. They want the marriage to continue because being alone engenders anxiety and fear. Activities in marriage involve collaboration.? Antidote: Restructured Cognition: -It would be nice if my spouse enjoyed a particular activity, but I can still enjoy myself without my spouses participation.”
An individual with rejection phobia would likely feel that because they were rejected in some way by their spouse they were personally defective. This dysfunctional attitude is frequently accompanied by the perception that if they are rejected by their spouse, they will also be rejected by other significant persons in their lives, or by others that could be significant to them in the future.? This perception is unrealistic, and is actually based on several cognitive distortions. These cognitive errors often lead to further emotional problems such as anger, anxiety and or depression, which can contribute to further martial dysfunction.? Antidote: Recognition of faulty thinking. There is no verified information about what others are thinking or feeling. Some may find him or her very worthy.
A reaction of the spouse who demands Desperate Togetherness. The husband (or wife) feels trapped; the partner is manipulating and controlling them in ways that prevent him from freely giving their love to each other. There is a feeling that they must be available whenever their spouse wants.? Spousal obligations are not met. Both may feel victimized and trapped. The spouse who feels trapped in a definition of love imposed by the spouse experiences feelings of deprivation and oppression.
The trapped spouse might mention feeling like a “prison inmate” in this way: “You know when you tell me I dont love you unless I do something your way (then give a behavioral example), I feel trapped. I love you and sometimes I want to be able to express and show you in ways I really feel. I want to show you I love you in ways and at the times you want me to, but I feel imprisoned when you expect and demand me to do it all the time. Maybe we can talk about how to share our love expressions, and the times we spend together in ways that fit both our desires.”
DISTINGUISHING -BEING PERFECT? FROM -PERFECTIONISM?:? The holy spiritual Fathers of the Church were focused on perfection. This is so well illustrated in the subtitle of Book I of St. Gregory of Nyssas Life of Moses (1978). The subtitle of Book I is: “Concerning the Perfection In Virtue.”? Christian perfection is not limited to the individual and their relation to God and neighbor but to the marital relationship itself. One of the petitions of the opening Ektenia or litany of the Betrothal Service prays “[God] will send down upon them perfect and peaceful love, and His help, let us pray to the Lord.”
-Perfectionism” is viewed as a cognitive-emotional aberration by mental health clinicians and researchers. The Holy Church Fathers were realistic in their understanding of Christs words.? For the Church Fathers, the human element must be taken into account. God is infinite and humans are finite. God is boundless and endless, humans are always in process. Human existence will always be the ascent of a ladder, an ascent that never reaches the top. Bishop Hilarion Alfeyev tells us: “..this ascent is endless, as its aim is the unbounded God..” quoting St. Isaac: “The limit of this journey is so truly unattainable that even the saints are found wanting with respect to the perfection of wisdom, because there is no end to wisdoms journey. Wisdom ascends even till this : until she unites with God … And this is the sign that the insights of wisdom have no limit: that wisdom is God Himself.? Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion. (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.
It is in this spirit of understanding that the expectations in marriage, both of oneself as a spouse and of the spousal behavior of the other, should be formed. It is important to keep in mind and to apply this marital ektenia petition of St. John of the Ladder, (1982) who said: “Love, by its nature, is a resemblance to God, insofar as this is humanly possible” [emphasis mine]. We have to remember we are human.? This is not to condone or justify any personal or marital wrong. It is to focus on the good will, intention and striving for perfection in marriage. A perfect and peaceful love in marriage would conform to St. Pauls so well known description of love as he told the Corinthians: “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; (1 Cor 13: 4-8).
The range in which to practice imperfection tolerance is in the -1 to -5 range. Behaviors or performances below this range -6 to -10 are possibly serious problems that should be dealt with by more invasive psychological procedures .? Examples of behaviors most often reported by couples that are most amenable to intervention developing imperfection tolerance in the -1 to -5 range usually involve typical everyday differences in lifestyle and behavior in marriages that all spouses confront: leaving dirty dishes in the sink, dropping laundry on the floor, leaving the toothpaste tube uncapped, over or undercooking a dinner dish, missing an appointment, being late from work or chore, forgetting a birthday or other celebration, forgetting to pick up an item in the store, etc.
Some behaviors are beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors would rate in the extreme minus range. All have to be dealt with immediately, firmly and with interventions appropriate to the seriousness of the behavior. Adultery would be an example of a behavior that is not to be tolerated and requires immediate spiritual and psychological intervention. Consultation with ones spiritual father or mother, parish priest and scientifically trained and licensed mental health practitioner is necessary. Prayer and the Holy Mysteries of the Church will be the foundation of any spiritual intervention.
There is another category of spousal behaviors that is beyond imperfection tolerance. These behaviors fall into the category of extreme abuse. This abuse behavior is seriously sinful and immoral and would certainly be considered illegal in most Western governmental jurisdictions. Abuse falls into four categories:? Physical, (hitting, battering, spanking, etc.);? Sexual, (forcible intercourse, inappropriate touching, glancing, language etc.);? Psychological (calling someone by demeaning terms “You idiot, looser” [actually mild, often far worse words or phrases);? Neglect (legally denying food, shelter, education, or necessary care).
Immediate protection from the abuse must be enacted. This may mean physical separation. All laws relating to abuse must be followed, including reporting to the proper law enforcement agencies. As some of these extreme abuse behaviors are illegal, it should be noted arrest and incarceration of the abuser after juridical procedures would result. Medical and psychological treatment should be considered and employed as appropriate. Medical and psychological consultation is a necessity in such circumstances. [Morelli, G. (2005c, December, 04) Abuse: Some Pastoral and Clinical Considerations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAbuse.php.]
A priest may be a mandatory reporter in some jurisdictions (The Seal of Confession is excluded)? If an abuser approaches the priest for the Holy Mystery of Confession. Sometimes it can be anticipated what the person is about to say. Many times others in a parish may know something and word has gotten back to the priest hinting at some serious family trouble. Often a priest can “intuit” the problem through the spiritual gift of discernment.? In such a case I would inform the alleged abuser you cannot hear his/her confession at this time. The upcoming discussion will not be a confession (thus not under the seal) on a given disclosure. If it can be sensed by the priest that abuse is occurring. All mandatory reporting laws have to be followed.
If the abuser comes to the priest, the priest must attempt to convince the abuser to accept the fact that they have as serious problem and must seek the help that is needed and if illegal activity is occurring to report to the legal authorities.? Clergy also have to do all they can to intervene to protect potential victims. This may include referral to appropriate emergency psychological care. In the most serious cases such as a credible death threat, an immediate call to police and/or emergency services would be warranted.
Bad self-esteem is a type of narcissism (or self worship). St. Paul told the Philippians: “Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4). The Church Fathers warn against the bad self-esteem using the Greek term kenodoxia where keno means esteem that is empty, vain, hollow, groundless, deluded and doxa means glory, praise.
-Self-esteem” means a true and honest appraisal of both ones strengths and weaknesses, particularly in reality-based therapies. We see here an inversion of meaning where good self-esteem is close to the patristic definition of humility. St. Peter of Damaskos taught that, “The humble person must possess every virtue…the signs of humility: when one possessing every virtue of body and soul, to consider oneself to be the more a debtor to God … because one has received so much by grace.” Centuries earlier, St. Isaac the Syrian wrote: “The person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has reached the summit of humility” [Brock, S. (1997). (Trans.). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation; Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1986). The Philokalia, Volume 3: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Markarios of Corinth. London: Faber and Faber.]
In terms of the marital (or any) relationship, continuously changing ones self- appraisal (whether virtuous or weak) based on the opinion of others leads to grave instability. It leaves a person with so sense of grounding and stability and makes him vulnerable to manipulation by others. It can lead to a subservience to others that allow a person to be controlled in ways that lead to inappropriate and even sinful behaviors. When a person has a recurring pattern of adopting the opinions of others in their evaluation of himself, depression and loss of self-respect are frequently the result.
One characteristic of individuals who have an exaggerated need for approval is evaluation sensitivity. They are constantly monitoring the speech, speech pragmatics and body language of their spouses (or others around them) for either their approval or disapproval.
One can commence a questioning process as to whether the approval of ones spouse is of absolute necessity. This is an important question. It really means asking if it is necessary for life itself, like the critical necessity of air to sustain life. One way of preparing an answer is to pose the question: -How did you think and feel about yourself before you knew your spouse?? Most individuals would answer that they did at some point not see the approval of their significant other as critical in this sense. They were living life without spousal approval. On the other hand, at no point were they living without breathing air. Thus, while spousal approval may be desirable, it is not absolutely necessary.
It is important to recall our Lords words: “How can you believe, who receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” (John 5: 44). Our holy spiritual fathers of the Church did not use the words “approval” or “recognition” but rather termed it philodoxia or love of praise, warning against it as a spiritual danger. St. Theodoros the Great Ascetic taught: “…love of praise banish[es] remembrance of God from the soul. ..And when remembrance of God is absent, there is a tumult of the passions within us” [Philokalia II]The good saint said that from love of praise would arise a “great swarm of all manner of evil.” It influences our moral judgment which involves “scrupulous discrimination between good and evil; and this involves sound moral judgment.”
We must continually reorient our life goals in terms of the one and only real necessity. St. Paul told the Romans what this is: “To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:6). It is the Spirit that is necessary for life, not approval from others, not even from one‘s spouse. Rather, the spouses must seek the Spirit together as one flesh. To accomplish this they have to adopt the mind of doing things as “as one flesh;” so that by glorifying and praising God together, in turn His grace will fall on them as “united in one flesh,” not in competition with each other, but in blessed union. The good race St. Paul spoke of is not only a sprint run by the solitary runner, but also the relay race of marriage. In this way both, in union with each other, achieve esteem in Christ.
Cognitive clinical-psychologist Albert Ellis (1962) considered this “need” as one of the major “irrational beliefs triggering emotional dysfunction,” he discovered in his clinical research. He defined this irrational cognition as: “The idea that one should be dependent on others and needs someone stronger than oneself on whom to rely.” Ellis pointed out “freedom and independence are endorsed in our society.”? This kind of psychological reliance on another person as an absolute support is considered far off from what is true and necessary for a stable and healthy self-identity. While inter- cooperation and collaboration between people in our complex society facilitates functioning like communication, the production of good and services, transportation, and so forth, it is irrational to maximize this interdependency by forfeiting to others the choices that are properly befitting to oneself. [Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.]
At first glance it may appear that the holy Spiritual Fathers of the Church have little to say on overdependency — an important constituent in marital discord discovered by researchers studying the interpersonal dynamics of marriage. A closer look at the teachings of the Fathers however, reveals deep intuitions about human nature and relationships that penetrate this type of marital dysfunction.? For example, St. Thalassios told us: “Our Lord Jesus has given light to all men, but those who do not trust in Him bring darkness upon themselves” [Philokalia II]
People with overdependency feel anxious and nervous about making decisions on their own. They feel safe when others make decisions for them. Behaviorally they appear helpless and submissive. Spouses with overdependency frequently ask their partner for reassurance regarding the choices they are making about current actions and possible future goals. Frequently they feel more secure following their partners choices than any they could make on their own and can include every day activities such as recreation and meals or life goals such as occupation and employment. This could be viewed as living in “darkness,? as St. Thalassios told us.
Cognitive Restructuring: The dependent spouse may ask himself for “proof or evidence” of this irrational need. Alternatives may be explored. In this case, asking themselves (aided by a licensed, trained mental health practitioner if necessary): “Was there ever a time in which you were not with your spouse and made your own decision about something?” can be helpful. I have found that patients will first focus on some poor decisions they made in the past, but with persistence a great number of good decisions can be uncovered. Then, clinically – or pastorally – I ask the patient what they can learn from this new information and interpretation.
Dependency is a characteristic of children. Independence (conforming to Gods Will) is a characteristic of Christian adulthood. This echoes the observation by St. Paul: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (1 Cor. 13: 11).? St. John of the Ladder: On Unmanly Fears? Step 21 of the Ladder of Divine Ascent, is titled: On Unmanly Cowardness. He describes ” … a childish behavior within a soul advanced in years … it is a lapse from faith that comes from anticipating the unexpected.”? The inspired Holy Father pointed out “(F)ear is danger tasted in advance, a quiver as the heart takes fright before unnamed calamity. Fear is a loss of assurance.” We will all go before the “dread judgment seat of Christ” as individuals. Our accountability before Christ is an individual accountability. As St. Paul taught: “So each of us shall give account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12). I cannot imagine Our Lord being pleased with an overdependent spouse going before Him and saying “I couldnt decide for myself which was good or bad, right or wrong, I was afraid to make my own decisions so I let my husband (wife) make my decisions for me.”
Some married couples feel their spouse should spontaneously know and sense what they want and/or need. They may feel that to have to communicate is a sign of a lack of love. In fact it is quite the opposite — not communicating broadcasts a lack of love. In the example of Our Lord, early in his ministry he spoke in parables to those who were “hard of heart.” St. Luke comments on the reason why Jesus did not speak, that is, communicate clearly: “But they did not understand this saying, and it was concealed from them, that they should not perceive it…” (Lk 9: 45). But for those whom He loves, because they love Him Jesus says: “…the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in figures but tell you plainly of the Father” (Jn 16: 25).
A wife may tell her husband, “I want you to be a better husband.” Or she may say, “I want you to pay more attention to me.” Alternatively, a husband may say to his wife: “I wish you would be more caring,” or “I sure wish you would be a better housekeeper.” These are abstract, meaningless requests (similar to how Jesus spoke “in figures” to those who did not love Him). Abstraction is the mother of ambiguity, which in turn is the mother of multiple interpretations, which in turn is the mother of discord. They keep hurling the abstract words back and forth at each other. Couples who find themselves in “abstract” (or no) communication often come to perceive the other as selfish and even evil. The misunderstood spouse tends to feel angry, deprived, depressed and or frustrated. Sometimes labeling, or name- calling arguments follow. Alternatively stonewalling, shutting the other out, then a veritable marital cold war ensues.
Behavioral Pinpointing: In the above example, in place of the abstract communication, the wife might say to her husband, “Charlie, I would like to spend at least a half hour before bedtime with you each evening alone together, and just talk and hold each other. This would allow us to share what happened during our day. I would feel much closer to you.” “Joe, you are off every other Saturday and sometimes just tinker around the house, I would love to have a Saturday lunch with you for a couple hours and do something together.” A pinpointed statement the husband may say to his wife: “Sally, Ill empty the dishwasher and put away the dishes every evening, I really dont like dishes piling up in the sink. I would really appreciate if you would rinse them and put them in the dishwasher right after dinner. Unwashed dishes breed germs and that is a real turnoff.”
The married should be advised that they endure with mutual patience those things that bring displeasure and that they exhort [negotiate] one another to salvation. For it is written” “Mutually bear one anothers burdens and you will fulfill the law of Christ.” [Gal 6:2]. For the law of Christ is charity…Therefore, by imitation, we complete the law of Christ when we kindly confer good things to others and sustain the evil actions of others. For the married should be advised, then, they not worry themselves so much on what they must endure from their spouse but consider what their spouse must endure on account of them. [St. Gregory the Great. (2007). The Book of Pastoral Rule. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]
For Orthodox Christians, help is a problematic concept. As an abstract construct help is ambiguous and open to multiple interpretations. The American Heritage Dictionary (1994) defines help as “to give assistance to.” This definition lacks, however, an interpretation of the effect of help on others, as well as the motive for giving assistance, to name two important criteria. The scriptural, patristic and spiritual dimensions of help, offering a rich matrix for behavioral evaluation. Consider some examples of what has been called help that may occur in family situations.
Example I. A newborn infant has soiled itself and the babys parents help by changing the dirty diaper and cleaning their infant.? Example II. A real help problem brought to me in counseling several years ago: A physically and psychologically healthy 7- year old is helped by his mother to wipe himself after toileting.
Example I. A 2-year old is thirsty and asks his mothers help to get him some juice from the top shelf of the refrigerator which is out of his reach.? Example II. Another veridical family interaction: A mother, 16-year old son and 13-year old daughter are in the upstairs family room watching television. The daughter asks her mother: “what snacks are in the kitchen cabinet?” The mother helps by going down and reporting back to her daughter. The teenage girl then tells her mother which snack she wants and her mother goes back to the kitchen to retrieve the snack she wants and brings it back to her daughter.
Example I. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home after a school event. The childs mother is extremely stressed and tired after a grueling day at work. She would have to go out of her way and be stuck in traffic to pick their child up. The father, who had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and playing videos. The wife calls her husband and asks him to pick up their son.? Example II. A working couple has a school-age child who needs a ride home after a school event. The childs mother is extremely stressed after a grueling day at work. The father had the day off, is quite relaxed sitting around the house and is playing videos. She thinks calling her husband would be inappropriate. He would be displeased and she would not be fulfilling her obligation as wife and mother. Tired and stressed as she is, she heads toward the childs school, in traffic jams, for the pickup.
A husband helping his wife who is eager to learn household financing =herself‘ by doing all the domestic bookkeeping =himself.‘? A wife who insists on helping her husband, who really enjoys cooking, to help the marriage by =not‘ allowing him in the kitchen.? A husband who helps his wife by picking out the clothes she buys and wears.
Mindless helping broadcasts a psychological need to nurture. In part this may be related to a mindset of the spouse that unless helping they are not living up to their marital and/or parental obligations. This behavior takes on compulsive qualities so that if nurturing or giving care is impeded, anxiety, guilt or dejection is elicited. Each time mindless helping occurs the doers behavior is rewarded (negative reinforcement of inappropriate behavior) by the attenuated dysfunctional emotion. And the repetition of mindless helping behaviors strengthens the behaviors, thus making the inappropriate behavior more likely to occur in the future. On the other hand, the recipient of mindless helping is rewarded for dependency on others (Positive reinforcement of inappropriate behavior). Dependent individuals are also not provided with the opportunity to learn functional behaviors that they are capable of learning

Following Jesus: The Power of Forgiveness

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli at the Society of St. John Chrysostom

March 18, 2013 by Archpriest George Morelli PhD

A presentation given at the Society of St. John Chrysostom-Western Region Light of the East Conference, March 2 2013: Following Jesus: The Power of Forgiveness Theological, Psychological and Practical Suggestions for Growth. Hosted by St. Paul’s Greek Orthodox Church in Irvine, California.

TRANSCRIPT

ARCHPRIEST GEORGE MORELLI, PhD
The Divine Persons and their communicative interrelationship in love are intrinsic to the Divine Nature. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit cannot be conceived apart from each other, in as much as the Divine Essence will lead to Divine action (Divine Energy) and the creation of the cosmos and mankind itself. Mankind was created to be in communion with God and with one another. The depth of the Trinitarian communion of love, which is descriptive of their essence and which also will serve as the purpose of mankinds creation…
St. Paul writes: “But all things are from God Who reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ and gave to us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not reckoning their transgressions to them, and He put in us the word of reconciliation.” (2Cor 5: 18-19)
When God brought into being natures endowed with intelligence and intellect He communicated to them, in His supreme goodness, four of the divine attributes by which He sustains, protects and preserves created things. These attributes are being, eternal being, goodness and wisdom. Of the four He granted the first two, being and eternal being. to their essence, and the second two, goodness and wisdom, to their volitive faculty, so that what He is in His essence the creature may become by participation. This is why man is said to have been created in the image and likeness of God. (cf. Gn 1: 26). . . .only the good and wise will attain His likeness.”(St. Maximus the Confessor Philokalia II)
The great spiritual perception of St. Maximus is that the being and eternity of mankind is simply given to us gratis. While God is unbounded, He freely binds Himself not to take this being and eternity from us. But goodness and wisdom is another matter completely; it is up to our volitive faculty. We have to recognize goodness and wisdom; we have to desire goodness and wisdom, and we have to work at being wise and choosing to do good.
`I desire mercy, and not sacrifice. For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.“ (Mt 9:13)? And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick; I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.“ (Mk 2: 17)
In the book of Revelation Jesus (in the guise of an angel tells St. John:”Yet this you have, you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.” (Rev 2:6).
Sin is an illness and infirmity by which we succumb to our passions and make an evil choice. St. Maximus the Confessor (Philokalia II) calls evil “a privation of good.”
Baptism does not take away our free will or freedom of choice, but gives us the freedom no longer to be tyrannized by the devil unless we choose to be. … We are created good by God — for God creates nothing evil — and we remain unchanging in our nature and essence as created. But we do what we choose and want, whether good or bad, of our own free will. Palmer, G.E.H., Sherrard, P. & Ware, K. (Eds.). (1995). The Philokalia, Volume 4: The Complete Text; Compiled by St. Nikodimos of the Holy Mountain & St. Makarios of Corinth . London: Faber and Faber.
Tolerance is intrinsic to the Love that is God: “how compassionate God is, and how patient; and how He loves creation, and how He carries it, gently enduring its importunity, the various sins and wickedness, the terrible blasphemies of demons and evil men.” (Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications).
“All living creatures exist in Gods mind before their creation.” What this implies is that their place in the structure of the cosmos is retained even if someone falls away from God.[Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications]
A compassionate person is the physician of his own soul, for, as if with a strongwind, he chases away from his inner being a dark cloud. Brock, S., trans. (1997). The Wisdom of Saint Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press, Convent of the Incarnation .
As St. Isaac understands it we must have relentless repentance: “continual and mournful supplication by means of prayer filled with compunction draws nigh to God in order to seek forgiveness of past offenses, and entreaty for preservation from future [offenses].” And for what purpose? St. Isaac answers for us that “they [sinners] will be perfected in love for Him, with a perfect mind which is above any aberration in all its stirrings.“[Wensinck, A. J. (ed., trans.) (1923). Mystic Treatises by Isaac of Nineveh. Amsterdam, Holland: Koninklijke Akademie Van Wetenschappen.]
Everyone has a single place in [Gods] purpose in the ranking of love, corresponding to the form He beheld in them before He created them and all the rest of created beings…. He has a single ranking of complete and impassible love towards everyone, and He has a single caring concern for those who have fallen, just as much as for those who have not fallen.
But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, You fool! shall be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Make friends quickly with your accuser, while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison; truly, I say to you, you will never get out till you have paid the last penny” (emphasis added) (Matthew 5: 22-26).
When someone who offends God or us they must repent. God, and we in imitation of Him, should embrace the repentant sinner with Gods own love, in order to forgive him. We have to pray that we or anyone who has offended us or God, be reconciled to God and to us through His Church. The foundation of this repentance is a sense of his unfaithfulness to God and offense to us, contrition of heart, and determination to amend and have ametanoia, a fundamental change of mind and heart so as not to offend again.
“Or how canst thou say to thy brother: Brother, let me pull the mote out of thy eye, when thou thyself seest not the beam in thy own eye? Hypocrite, cast first the beam out of thy own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to take out the mote from thy brothers eye.” Lk 6: 42)? Trisagion Prayer for the Deceased: “for there is no man who liveth and sinneth not.”
The Prodigal Son Parable reads: “having come to himself” ( Lk 15: 17).” But is this true repentance? No! He wanted to get something out of the return to his father. Note what he says he will tell his father: “… make me as one of thy hired servants.”” This wouId be an impure confession. The Prodigal son has a motive: as a servant he can get paid and start to regain status.
Later in the actual return comes the real metanoia. The Prodigal drops the self serving motive: “And the son said to him, „Father, I sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no longer worthy to be called thy son.”( Lk 15: 21). No strings attached: a pure confession with no expectation of self-gain.
The Father (who in Jewish culture would have absolute authority, demand servile respect, remain aloof and would summon his son at his will. Is this what the Prodigals father did? No! The Father breaks tradition and initiates reconciliation “But the father said to his slaves, „Bring forth the robe, the chief one, and clothe him, and provide a ring for his hand and sandals for the feet. And bring the calf, the fattened one, and slay it; and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; and he was lost and is found.”” (Lk 15: 22- 23) [Gods forgiveness]
“But all things are from God Who reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ and gave to us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not reckoning their transgressions to them, and He put in us the word of reconciliation.” (2Cor 5: 18-19)
The lessons: the father (Father, the true picture of God as Father) shows unexpected self- emptying love, the son (us) confess complete unworthiness (humility) and sets no conditions and simply rejoices in sonship (theosis- “may be made partakers of the divine nature.” 2Pt 1:4) in the Fathers house (heaven).
Because of the brokenness of mankind, the individual who has been slighted is angry and frequently wants “blood” retribution. Gods conditions for repentance, on the other hand, are so merciful, as to almost go unnoticed. Consider St. Lukes report of the two thieves, on their crosses next to the crucified Jesus:
One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But the other rebuked him, saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” And he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And he said to him, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise (emphasis added) (Luke 23: 39-49).
Psychological? Spiritual
Current research psychology has helped us understand dysfunctional emotions such as anger have a cognitive theme and distorted irrational cognitive structures initiating them [Beck, A.T., Rush, S., Shaw, B. & Emery, G (1979). Cognitive Therapy of Depression. NY: Guilford Press.];Burns, D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. NY: The New American Library; Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Secaucus NJ: Lyle-Stuart.] Beck, for example found the theme of anger is significant intrusion. The angry individual perceives some one has intruded on them or on someone or something they love and possess that he considers to be an extension of himself. The value of what they consider significant is such, that they feel they have a “right” to be angry. This is an exalted state of self-importance by which people define themselves which gives them this “right.” It reveals an underlying postulate of self-definition that allows all anger to be justified.
Added to the interpretive perception are evocative cognitive distortions such as selective focusing: disregarding some nice things someone has done while centering on an error they made; mind-reading: concluding, without proof, the reason for someones improper action was to “get at” the angry person and/or was directed to the person; fortune telling: predicting only unseemly things will happen to you and this will continue in the future; and catastrophizing: evaluating the errors, improper actions and unseemly behaviors of others as more that 100% bad. These distortions enable the individual to create ongoing irrational mental scenarios that fuel the anger emotion. (For further explanation of how these distortions trigger and interact with anger. Morelli, G. (2005, October 14). The Beast of Anger http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php. & Morelli, G. 2007, December 02). Forgiveness is Healing http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/morelli-forgiveness-is-healing )
The root cause cannot be made more clear than what St. John of the Ladder (1982) has told us: “Pride is a denial of God, an invention of the devil, contempt for men. … the source of anger, the gateway of hypocrisy.” (italics mine). St John Cassian calls the demon of pride ” … most sinister, fiercest of all … ” (Philokalia I).
The ultimate model of humility is Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ. This was told to the Philippians by St. Paul who said:? Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross (Philippians: 5-8).
The reasoning mind, for example, will reject the commandment “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1) as nonsensical, urging that the faculty of being able to judge is a distinctive quality in man, making him superior to the whole world and affords him the power to dominate. [Sophrony, Archimandrite. (1999). St. Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press.]
Pride makes us forget our sins … the remembrance of them leads to humility.” Thus we must heed the further words of St. John: “He must not allow the memory of things that afflict him to be stamped on his intellect lest he inwardly sunders human nature by separating himself from other man although he is a man himself. When a mans will in union with the principle of nature in this way, God and nature are naturally reconciled. (St. John of the Ladder (1979). The Ladder of Divine Ascent. Boston: Holy Transfiguration Monastery)
“…the person who has attained to knowledge of his own weakness has reached the summit of humility.” (Brock, 1997) Brock, S. (1997). The Wisdom of St. Isaac the Syrian. Fairacres Oxford, England: SLG Press.? To bear a grudge and pray, means to sow seed on the sea and expect a harvest. http://www.roca.org?OA/137d.htm
Staniloae (2003) calls humility “the highest and most inclusive of all the virtues.” Staniloae, D. (2003). Orthodox Spirituality: A Practical Guide for the Faithful and a Definitive Manual for the Scholar. South Canaan, PA: St. Tikhons Seminary Press
Recently psychologists (e.g. Exline, Baumeister, Zell, Kraft, & Witvliet, 2008; Powers, Nam, Rowatt, & Hill, 2007) have begun to study and found support for a relationship between humility and other prosocial behaviors such as forgiveness. Psychologists such as Enright, 2012 and Gassin, 2001, have developed have developed psychotherapeutic interventions based partially on cultivating humility. Enright, R.D. (2012). The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a legacy of love. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.? Exline, J.J., Baumeister, R.F. Zell, A.L., Kraft, A.J., & Witvliet, C.V.O., (2008) Not so innocent: Does seeing ones own capability for wrongdoing predict forgiveness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94, 495-515.? Gassin, E.A. (2001). Interpersonal forgiveness from an Eastern Orthodox perspective. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 29, 187-200.? Powers C., Nam, R.K., Rowatt, W.C. & Hill, P.C. (2007). Association between humility, spiritual transcendence, and forgiveness. Research in the Social Scientific Study of Religion, 18, 75-94.
“Philotimo according to Elder Paisios, is the spontaneous self-sacrificing love shown by humble people, from whom every trace of self has been filtered out, full of gratitude towards God and their fellow men. Philotimo comes from a deep, abiding connection with God, so that one is constantly moved to do and seek that which is good, right and honorable. Out of spiritual sensitivity, such people try to repay the slightest good that others do for them.” Footnote from Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain, (2011). Spiritual Counsels, Volume I: With Pain and Love for Contemporary Man. Thessloniki, Holy Monastery, Evangelest John the Theologian.
But I say, if the merciful one is not also beyond justice, he is not merciful. That is, not only from his own part will he be merciful to others, but also he will endure injustice gladly and voluntarily. He will not establish and seek full justice in his dealing with his companion but will be merciful to him; because when he overcomes justice with mercy he will weave for himself a crown, not of those who are just according to the Law, but of the perfect according to the New Covenant
Go then and learn what this meaneth, I will have mercy and not sacrifice. For I am not come to call the just, but sinners. (Mt 9: 13)? If therefore thou offer thy gift at the altar, and there thou remember that thy brother hath any thing against thee; Leave there thy offering before the altar, and go first to be reconciled to thy brother: and then coming thou shalt offer thy gift. (Mt 5: 23-24)
St. Silouan tells us: “God is love, absolute love embracing every living thing in abundance. God is present in hell, too, as love. By allowing man to know this love, in so far as he is able, the Holy Spirit reveals to him the path to the fullness of being.” A short account, related by the saints biographer and cell attendant, Archimandrite Sophrony, of an exchange between the St. Silouan and a visiting hermit monk It shows the unfathomable depth of love God has and we should have toward all who have offended us: The hermit “declared with evident satisfaction that God will punish all atheists. They will burn in everlasting fire.”? Obviously upset, the Staretz said, “Tell me, supposing you went to paradise, and there you looked down and saw someone burning in hell-fire – would you feel happy?” “It cant be helped. It would be their own fault,” said the hermit.? The Staretz answered him in a sorrowful countenance. “Love could not bear that,” he said. “We must pray for all.”
Charity is patient, is kind: charity envieth not, dealeth not perversely; is not puffed up; Is not ambitious, seeketh not her own, is not provoked to anger, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth with the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never falleth away.” (1Cor 13: 4-8)
Political Outrages: a different class of offenses.. This included not only politicians, political parties, but even the citizens themselves of some countries. It is as if the realm of government and politics is on a completely different domain or level than that of one to one individual interaction. It is as if our Lords teaching on forgiveness should not extend to groups making up the political arena.
Research psychology gives some insight about about why applying forgiveness to groups may be more difficult than to individuals. Individuals in groups are often de-individuated . [Diener, E., Fraser, S. C., Beaman, A. L. and Kelem, R. T. (1976). Effects of deindividuation variables on stealing among Halloween trick-or-treaters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 33(2), 178-183.]? We do not see them as individuals but as group members. They are without individual personhood. By definition groups are an abstraction. Violent, destructive acts, and surely unforgiveness therefore, is more easily applied to groups and by members of groups to each other.
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness cannot be understood without understanding the nature of sin and its effects. St. Matthew (22: 37-40) records the words of Jesus: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” Sin is a breaking of Gods Laws to love Him and to love our neighbor, despite and in the face of His infinite Love for us.
Forgiveness does not mean we forget, excuse, condone or demand some payback. Forgiveness does not mean we have warm fuzzy feelings toward someone who may have offended us. It also does not mean we automatically trust anyone to act appropriately. Trust is a process and has to be earned in time by experience. It also does not mean that the perpetrator of for offenses shown by scientific research that may to have no cure or have a high recidivism rate should be re-established in the community in the same status, (occupation, style of life, etc.) the offender had before the offense. We have heard the expression hate the sin but love the sinner.
But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaites, which I also hate. (Rv 2:6)
St. Dorotheos of Gaza [Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.]is able to describe this beautifully: “Condemning a man is saying: he is a wicked liar, or he is an angry man, or he is a fornicator. For in this way he judges the condition of his soul and draws a conclusion about his whole life, saying it is of such a kind and condemns him as such. This is a very serious thing.. For it is one thing to say, He got mad, and another thing to say He is bad tempered … ..” [emphasis mine]. He got mad, is a problem to be and issue to be addressed. He is bad tempered is a label of and condemnation of his being.
If any man say, I love God, and hateth his brother; he is a liar. For he that loveth not his brother, whom he seeth, how can he love God, whom he seeth not? 1Jn 4:20)
The words of Christ on the cross are very telling in this matter. Our Lord said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Jesus was able to put himself in the mind of those calling for His death and actually crucifying Him. Each had their own reasons for participating in His death. Our Lord was able to take the perspective of his killers: they knew “not what they do.”
Enright (2001) reports on research indicating taking the perspective of the persons who have offended has been shown to be a significant aid in leading to forgiveness. He recommends his patients to reflect on such questions as: “what life was like for him or her when growing up; what life was like for him or her at the time of the offense; what he or she is like when you … (see) him or her in a spiritual, religious sense.” This process which Enright calls taking perspective is similar to the psychological process of empathy, which may be defined as “thinking and feeling what the other is thinking and feeling.”Enright, R.D. (2001). Forgiveness is a Choice. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
Research by Hoffman, 1988; Eisenberg & Mussen 1989; and Greenberg, Kusche, Cook, & Quamma 1995; has linked increase in empathy to attenuated aggression. Cunningham (1985) has reported on successful application of empathy to forgiveness in a pastoral setting. Cunningham, B.B. (1985). The Will to Forgive: A Pastoral Theological View of Forgiving. Journal of Pastoral Care. 39:141-149; Hoffman, M.L. (1988). Moral Development. In M.H. Bornstein & M.E. Lamb (Eds.), Developmental Psychology: An Advanced Textbook. (2nd ed., pp. 497-548). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum; Eisenberg, N., & Mussen, P.H. (1989). The Roots of Prosocial Behavior in Children. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press; Greenberg, M.T., Iusche, C.A., Cook, E.T. & Quamma, J.P. (1995). Promoting Emotional Competence in School-Aged Children: The Effects of the PATHS Curriculum. Development and Psychopathology, 7, 117-136.
Love of God, means to love Him with all our heart, mind and soul. Love of neighbor plain and simple means to use all our heart mind and soul to desire and work for the good and welfare of our neighbor.
We are reminded of the wisdom of St. Isaac the Syrian (Brock, 1997): “Just because the terms wrath, anger, hatred and the rest are used of the Creator in the Bible, we should not imagine that He actually does anything in anger, hatred or zeal. Many figurative terms are used of God in the Scriptures, terms which are far removed from His true nature. Among all Gods actions there is none which is not entirely a matter of mercy, love and compassion: this constitutes the beginning and end of His dealing with us.” May I add this should be the beginning and end of our relationships with all mankind in which we are all made in Gods image. Those who have offended most egregiously and performed the most horrific of offenses are to be loved the most. In this same spirit we have to be reconciled in love to those whom we have offended.
Love is not a feeling. Love does not mean we condone or excuse or minimize evil acts. Love does not mean we have to be blind to the brokenness and sinful predilections of mankind. Did not Our Lord Himself tell his disciples: “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10: 16). We have to use our intelligence and be wise.
As indicated above in discussing what forgiveness does not mean, applying even the simple wisdom of our God given intelligence and experience, love (and forgiveness-reconciliation) does not mean for example, allowing an alcoholic to go back to his former occupation as a bartender, or a pedophile to be a child caretaker. This can be applied to many examples of inclinations that humans have that through modern scientific research have been found can be of potential harm to self and others: abuse, use of drugs, sexual problems, etc.
Forgiveness does mean we make sure the offending individual, who has repented and shown sorrow for their sin or offense towards us is given physical, mental, and spiritual care. Even if some offender has not shown repentance and sorrow we are required to give them basic physical, spiritual and an even greater abundance of spiritual care. All are to be looked on as sons and daughters of God. All are given respect and courtesy. They are to be prayed for and approached by us in an attempt to reconcile. Repentant offenders, are given the Holy Mysteries of the Church so they can grow in grace and be in union with all the blessed in paradise. All at the very least are to be prayed for with all our heart, mind and soul that all who offended us can reach paradise
It is crystal clear that humans do not start their physical, psychological or spiritual lives in a “perfect state.” The scientific study of human development suggests psychological growth occurs in stages and involves gradual bio-social-behavioral shifts and growth Cole, M., Cole, S. & Lightfoot, C. (2005). The Development of Children. NY: Worth.? The writings of the Church Fathers reveal that spiritual growth also takes place in steps or stages. The title of one of the classics of Eastern Orthodox spiritual wisdom, “The Ladder of Divine Ascent” by St. John of the Ladder (579-649) bears out that spiritual development takes places as in Jacobs dream: “And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it!” (Genesis 28:12).
Behavioral psychologists use a technique called “shaping” to bring about appropriate behavior. It involves rewarding small increments in desirable behaviors that are similar and lead to the correct appropriate behavioral goal [Morelli, G. (2005a, September 17). Smart Parenting Part 1. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliParenting. Morelli, G. (2005b, October 14). The Beast of Anger. http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles5/MorelliAnger.php.]? It is important to start out with the level a person is capable of performing then rewarding the next step. For example, the parent of a child who tosses all their clothing on the floor might reward their child for picking up one clothing item, followed by another reward when the child picks up two items, until an entire messy room was cleaned up. The same principle holds true in both asking for, and giving, forgiveness. Not everyone will be able to start out with the desirable straight talking described above and must approach the process incrementally.
Examples: restarting friendly communication; doing something nice that unexpected by the other; offering to help on a problem; telling a humorous story; or suggesting resuming a previously halted activity. When someone reaches out even indirectly and is ignored, it usually is perceived as aversive by the person who has initiated the imperfect but desirable reaching out action. This decreases the likelihood the person will continue to grow and develop into either asking or giving forgiveness (Morelli, 2005a). For example, after some disagreement but before actual forgiveness is asked, one of the individuals may suggest going out for a walk. No doubt the ideal is straight talking. Yet, most people cannot jump to the top rung of the ladder. It is psychologically sound, and more importantly Christ- like to go along with our brothers and sisters in Christ – as well as all mankind (i.e. Jews, Moslems, atheists, etc.) — who are climbing the ladder one step at a time.
The example above is based on one to one personal or family interaction. However political parties and nations themselves often act in similar ways. We see examples of nations that took years, decades, even centuries to either straight talk wrongs committed by themselves or to forgive the repenting nations. Many times small steps are taken even before this goal is reached such as increased trade, debt alleviation, medical or food supply help, disaster aid, etc. Other important first steps may be groups solving common problems [Sherif, M., Harvey, O.J., White, B.J., Hood, W.R. & Sherif, C.R. (1961). Intergroup Cooperation and Competition: The Robbers Cave] Experiment. Norman, OK: University of Oklahoma Press.and dissemination of favorable information about the groups to each other [Worschel, S, (1986). The Role of Cooperation in Reducing Intergroup Conflict. In S. Worschel & W. G. Austin (Eds.), Psychology of Intergroup Relations. Chicago, IL: Nelson-Hall.] These may be small, but significant steps in the forgiveness process..
For a Christian viewing all mankind, despite intra-national or international group affiliation, as “children of God, made in His image and called to be like Him” is the most favorable information that could be received
God tolerates sinners eternally because he is waiting for them to return to His eternal love. Archbishop Hilarion Alfeyev Alfeyev, Archbishop Hilarion (2009). Christ the Conqueror of Hell: The Descent to Hades from an Orthodox Perspective. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press. references a verse from the 6th Ode of the Holy Saturday Orthros (Lamentation) Service. In the Antiochian Orthodox usage the verse reads:? Verily, Hades ruled the race of man, but not forever; for thou, O mighty One, when thou wast placed in the grave didst demolish the locks of death with the palm of thy hand, O Element of Life, proclaiming to those sitting yonder from the ages a true salvation, having become, O Savior, the Firstborn of the dead. . . .? He then goes on to explain how the verse proclaims the boundless eternal mercy of God as understood by St. Gregory of Nyssa (and, by implication, St. Issac of Syria; Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2000). The Spiritual World of St. Isaac the Syrian. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.
The short answer is that God is waiting for us to love Him in response to His Love for us. The longer answer is given by St. Isaac of Syria:? So then, let us not attribute to Gods actions and His dealings with us any idea of requital. Rather we should speak of Fatherly provision, a wise dispensation, a perfect will which is concerned with our good, and complete love. If it is a case of love, then it is not one of requital; and if it is a case of requital, then it is not one of love. Love…. looks to what is most advantageous in the future: it examines what is to come, and not things of the past. (quoted by Alfeyev, 2000)
Expulsion from ? At the very least praying for theParadise good and welfare of all who have wounded us, or those whom we love and cherish isWe are called to the first and minimum step weinteriorize Gods eternal can take in forgiveness. [Morelli, G.readiness to forgive in (2007a, February 4) The Spiritual Roots of Altruism:our own lives. The Good Samaritan.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/OT/view/mo relli-the-spiritual-roots-of-altruism-the-good-samaritan; Morelli, G. (2007b, April 03). The Psycho-Spirituality of Forgiving People and Nations.http://www.orthodoxytoday.org/articles7 .]The icon of /MorelliForgiveness.php Forgiveness Sunday depicts Adam and Eves expulsion from Paradise, by God, because of their disobedience and pride. But it also depicts Gods readiness to forgive them.
St. Silouan has pointed out that, “those who dislike and reject their fellow-man are impoverished in their being. They do not know the true God, who is all-embracing love.” St. Peter in his second epistle tells us what God has given us: “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness … and become partakers of the divine nature” (2 Peter 1:3-4). We know this is not participation or becoming God in His Being or Essence but sharing in the warmth and light of His “Divine Energy” Staniloae, D. (2003). Orthodox Spirituality: A Practical Guide For The Faithful And A Definitive Manual For The Scholar. South Canaan, PA: St. Tikhons Seminary Press
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. Wherefore he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor, he hath sent me to heal the contrite of heart.“ (Lk 4: 18)? He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart, that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them.” (Jn 12: 40).

Interiorized Spirituality (Monasticism) and the Domestic Church

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli at the Society of St. John Chrysostom in Oceanside, California

March 17, 2014 by Archpriest George Morelli PhD

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli at the Society of St. John Chrysostom-Western Region (SSJC-WR) General Meeting, held at Prince of Peace Benedictine Monastery, Oceanside, California on March 15, 2014.

TRANSCRIPT

INTERIORIZED SPIRITUALITY (MONASTICISM) AND THE DOMESTIC CHURCH Archpriest George Morelli PhD
Gospel Counsels-Precepts • The total demand of the Gospel is proclaimed to everyone-everywhere – Christ‘s injunction: -Strive to enter by the narrow gate; for many, I say to you, shall seek to enter, and shall not be able? (Lk 13: 24) is interpreted by St. John Chrysostom understands Christ‘s words as being -addressed to all.? Against Those Who Oppose the Monastic Life
St. John Chrysostom
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk • -Do not be in a hurry to multiply the monks. The black habit does not save. The one who wears a white habit and has the white habit and has the spirit of obedience, humility, and purity, he is a true monk of interiorized [untonsured] monasticism?. (Quoted by Evdokimov, P. (1998). Ages of the Spiritual Life, Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir‘s Seminary Press)
St. Tikhon of Zadonsk
St. Seraphim of Sarov • -The Lord listens equally to the monk and the simple Christian layman provided that both are Orthodox, and both love God from the depths of their souls and faith in Him, if only as a grain of mustard seed; and they both shall move mountains … I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4: 13)?[Little Russian Philokalia, V. I, pp. 117-118]
St. Seraphim of Sarov
The Domestic Church or -Little Church? in the Home • Dates from Apostolic times. St. Paul says: -Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus … greet also the church in their house.? (Rm 16:3:5) To the Corinthians (16:19) he says: -The churches of Asia send greetings. Aquila and Prisca, together with the church in their house, send you hearty greetings in the Lord.? It is just such a similar domestic church, or little church in the home, that couples in blessed marriages are =ordained‘ to establish. The building of a home church can only take place if each spouse loves God, loves Him alone, and has no other gods before Him, making the aim of the blessed, Godly marriage to form a Christian way of life and teach that way of life diligently to children.
Fulfilling the Commission To Lead The Domestic Church • Teaching Christ is important for the leaders of the domestic church, the little church in the home, but extends to each individual, in fact to all of society, and to all mankind. God is Beauty, Goodness and Truth. Although, as Divinely manifested, these characteristics of God are incomprehensible, we can nevertheless, with His grace, appreciate, emulate and teach these same divine qualities as far as is humanly possible.
CHRIST IN THE DESERT: THE ETHOS OF INERIORIZED SPIRITUALITY (MONASTICISM)
The Three Temptations of Christ: Stone to Bread; -Cast thyself down-angels shall they bear thee up;? -all the kingdoms of the world- if falling down thou wilt adore me.?
St. Theophylact on Christ being tempted to comfort the body • “one loaf would suffice for a man who was hungry … Christ did not listen to him.” • Echoing God’s words to Moses: “He afflicted thee with want, and gave thee manna for thy food, which neither thou nor thy fathers knew: to shew that not in bread alone doth man live, but in every word that proceedeth from the mouth of God.” • “by the word of God *real bread+ the manna fulfilled every need of the Hebrews.”
St. Theophylact on Christ being tempted to cast Himself down • -if Thou art the Son of God, show me.? • -Christ being God, does not need such help [from the angels who would bear Him up] • To accede to the Evil One‘s command would give him ascendency. • Because Jesus -calmly? resisted the Evil one He could authoritatively tell His Disciples: -Behold, I have given you power to tread upon … all the power of the enemy.? (Lk 10: 19), -teaching us to defeat the demons with meekness.
St. Theophylact on Christ being tempted to gain the world and its glory by worshiping Satan • -In his pride, [Satan] considers the world to be his own. Even now the devil makes this offer to the greedy, with the result that those who worship him do possess these things.? • Jesus answer: -Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt thou serve.
St. Theophylact‘s Summary • -The Lord conquered the three temptations of?: – -Gluttony? —-sensory pleasures, pleasures of the body are not ends in themselves – -Vainglory? —-that the Godhead, not self is the true power – -Avarice? —-we are not to glorify and worship materiality –-but God alone
The Temptations and the Monastic Counsels • Evdokimov (Evdokimov, P. (1998). Ages of the Spiritual Life, Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir‘s Seminary Press) considers them to be -a great charter? for the liberation of mankind. – -Poverty frees [us] from the ascendancy of the material…the baptismal transmutation of the creature.? – -Chastity frees [us] from the ascendancy of the carnal … the nuptial mystery of the agape, the marriage covenant of [D]ivine [L]ove.? – -Obedience frees [us] from the idolatry of the ego. It posits our relationship as children of the Father?
The Lord’s Prayer-tripartite structure and the Monastic Counsels • -Poverty of one who is hungry only for the substantial and Eucharistic bread? • -Chastity, the purification from evil? • -Obedience to the will of the Father?
Vocation Of Those Of The Royal Priesthood • To heroically apply the counsels in daily life —- in the domestic church • -Salute Prisca and Aquila, my helpers in Christ Jesus, And the church which is in their house.? (Rm 16: 3,5) • St. John Chrysostom preached the “small church” … ensures the health and stability of the family in raising children. (Homily XX on Ephesians 5: 22-33 http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/230120.htm).
Applying Interiorized Poverty • And He, lifting up His eyes on His disciples, said: Blessed are ye poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Lk 6: 20) • The spirit of the monastic ideal – Our only real need is God: -The monastic ideal does not preach formal poverty but a wise frugality of needs.? [Evdokimov, 1978]
Applying Interiorized Chastity • -[Satan] set Him on a pinnacle of the temple, and he said to Him: If thou be the Son of God, cast thyself from hence.? (Lk 4:9) A veiled attempt to dethrone Christ from greatness. -The one who climbs in a dream onto a roof will climb to greatness; the one who comes down from a roof will come down from greatness.? [Beracot of Talmud of Babylon] • Mankind‘s concupiscence inclines him to seize power: profanes the sacredness of the cosmos, the creation of God—response: Chastity -an inward ascension to the burning presence of God …. Chastity …?one of the names of the nuptial mystery of the Lamb. ?[Evdokimov, 1978]
The Domestic Church-Desert in the City • St. John Chrysostom gives us a monastic ethos while living in the world – a desert in the city. It’s a model we see practiced elsewhere. St. Paul, for example, was directed to venture into cities, “(R)ise and enter the city and you will be told what you are to do” (Acts 9:6). In early Christianity, the first Churches were home churches, and although not properly a “Eucharistic assembly” [Zizioulas, J.D. (2001). Eucharist, Bishop, Church: The Unity of the Church in the Divine Eucharist and the Bishop During the First Three Centuries. Brookline, MA: Holy Cross Press.], it certainly is the center of sanctification of a man and woman in blessed married and their children.
The Fruit of the Holy Spirit • -But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, good ness, faithfulness, gentleness, self- control …? (Gal 5:22–23). If such fruit guides the values of the domestic church, allow me to suggest what a behavioral scientist might see and record in the Godly home:
The Grapes of the Domestic Church • Attending liturgy as a family on Sundays and feast days; dressing in clean, modest clothing; being reverent during the services and praying the Liturgy; avoiding chit-chatting in church. • Observing Saturday evenings and evenings before reception of the Holy Eucharist as a time of prayer and spiritual recollection, not for partying or entertaining. • Maintaining an icon corner in the family home, with icons of Our Lord, the Theotokos and the family patron saints; teaching the reverence of sacred icons by holding family prayer at the icon corner; reading the daily troparia and kontakia, epistle and Gospel readings; using candles and incense. • Praying with children before bedtime and after awakening in the morning; teaching children to make the sign of the cross and how to memorize basic prayers, such as the Trisagion, Our Father, Creed, and Psalm 50; praying before and after meals (inside the home and when eating out).
The Grapes con‘t • Referencing the =Presence of God‘ around us at all times • Following the church fasts – Wednesdays and Fridays throughout the year – Christmas (Advent) Fast – Lenten Fast and Holy Week – Apostles‘ Fast – Dormition Fast • Teaching children that the purpose of fasting, prayer, and almsgiving as building spiritual strength and giving back to God love through love of one another in need. – Keeping a program of spiritual reading and learning – Sacred Scripture – Church Fathers – Lives of the saints – Catechism materials [e.g. Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion (2004), The Mystery of Faith: An Introduction to the Teaching and Spirituality of the Orthodox Church. London: Darton Longman & Todd] – Church school lessons (reinforced by parents reviewing each week with children) – For families with young children, videos of Scripture stories and other wholesome topics
The Grapes con‘t Teaching the reverence of the sacred icons Teaching the structure & layout of the church temple Refusing to participate in activities that conflict with worship or are scheduled during the Divine Liturgy on Sundays and feast-days; protesting to the proper community authorities and teaching children that God comes first. Acknowledging everyday blessings by asking Our Lord‘s blessing before each activity; rather than saying =Good luck,‘ saying =Thank you Lord‘ or =What a blessing‘; asking the priest to bless home, cars, and other special objects. Participating in special church blessings: Water [Jan 6 — Theophany] Candles [Feb 2 — Presentation] Flowers [Holy Cross Sunday & Great Friday] Oil [Wednesday of Holy Week] Palms [Palm Sunday] Eggs [Pascha] Basil [Sept 14 — Holy Cross]
The Grapes con‘t • Bringing children into the spiritual family of the Church Talking with the priest before the birth of the child and reflecting on the mystery of co-creation Having the priest bless the newborn in the hospital Saying the prayers of naming a child on the eighth day after birth Offering or “churching” (presenting) the baby to God on or about the 40th day after birth Conferring with the priest on the meaning of baptism and preparing for it Choosing sponsors who are committed to Christ and His teaching and who will educate the child in the faith and fear of God
The Grapes con‘t • Parents and older children practicing confessing sins privately on a daily basis and sacramentally on a frequent basis; thanking God for His grace and gift of life; each person examining his or her conscience as to how he or she acted toward God and others and attributing to God any good done and any evil to himself or herself; quickly resolving any conflicts with others, forgiving all who have offended and asking pardon of those have been offended. • Availing of Holy Unction during illness or when it is offered at the parish (on Wednesday of Holy Week and special unction services). • Ministering at the local parish church and in the community by participating in the parish council, ladies‘ society, youth organization, church school, choir, adult ministry, and other special ministries; parents encouraging and accompanying their children in parish activities such as church school, teen events, altar boys‘ camp, and choir.
The Grapes con‘t • Dealing with non-Christian values in news and media: • Allowing only appropriate TV programs and music. • Keeping the children‘s computers in an open space with a =net nanny‘ or parental controls installed; engaging in what children are doing. • When a program or ad appears in media or music which contradicts Our Lord‘s teaching, immediately addressing it in a Godly manner (see the Smart Parenting series of articles: www.orthodoxytoday.org/indexes/morellix.php). • Engaging children in discussing television programs and movies in terms of understanding God‘s love for us and the love we must have for each other.
The Grapes con‘t • When a newscast is viewed, parents engaging the family in a discussion about the content in terms of Our Lord‘s teachings regarding issues such as: • Abortion • Capital punishment • Casual sex • Criminal activity • Drugs and alcohol • Environment • Euthanasia • Homelessness • Immodesty in dress, song, and speech • Natural disasters • Pre-emptive war • Same-Sex Marriage
Living The Spirit of Interiorized Spirituality • The aim of following the monastic counsels should always be increasing our spiritual perception. This is to understand the true spirit of the counsels and live our lives by this spirit. For priests, monks, catechists or parents (the leaders of their domestic Church) to be satisfied with the lowest common denominator of spirituality is abhorrent.
The domestic church builds up the kingdom of God within. In the words of St. Isaac of Syria: -The sun which shines within [the family] is the light of the Holy Trinity. The air which the inhabitants of that realm breathe is the strengthening and all Holy Spirit…Christ, the light of the Father‘s light, is their life, joy and happiness.? (Brock, S. (1989), Daily Readings With St. Isaac of Syria. Springfield, IL: Templegate Publishers.). This fulfills the commission given by God to every male and female joined in one flesh to produce flesh of their flesh by the mystery of Holy Marriage. Come Follow Me (Mt 19: 21)

The Body and Sexuality: How We As Orthodox Understand It

A presentation given by Fr. George Morelli at St. George Antiochian Orthodox Church in San Diego, California

April 6, 2014 by Archpriest George Morelli PhD

TRANSCRIPT

Archpriest George Morelli, PhD
And he said: Let us make man to our image andlikeness: and let him have dominion over thefishes of the sea, and the fowls of the air, and the beasts, and the whole earth, and every creeping creature that moveth upon the earth. And God created man to his own image:to the image of God he created him: male and female he created them. And God blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply. (Gn 1: 26-28)
In the Divine Liturgy the priest exclaims (2ndAntiphon): For Thou art the Good God who lovest mankind and to Thee we ascribe glory,to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.”
“I”—-”Thou”—-”I”—-”He”
The Persons of the Holy Trinity interrelate amongst themselves in Love.? “That they all may be one, as thou, Father, in me, and I in thee; that they also may be one in us; that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.” (Jn 17: 21)? But when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will teach you all truth. For he shall not speak of himself; but what things soever he shall hear, he shall speak …. He shall glorify me; because he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it to you. All things whatsoever the Father hath, are mine.Therefore I said, that he shall receive of mine, and shew it to you. (Jn 16: 13-15)
“God had no need to create the world …God created the world because He wanted the super abundant life and goodness within Himself to be shared with other beings[subject-object—lover-beloved] who would become partakers of divine blessings and holiness.”(Alfeyev, Bishop Hilarion. (2003). The Mystery of Faith.London, England: Darton, Longman & Todd).
“By the word of the Lord the heavens we reestablished; and all the power of them by the spirit of his mouth: Gathering together the waters of the sea, … let all the inhabitants of the world be in awe of him. For he spoke and they were made: he commanded and they were created.” (Ps 32: 6-9)
”In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with (Gk: towards pros ton Theon).God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him: and without him was made nothing that was made.” (Jn 1: 1-3)
“And the earth was void and empty, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of God moved over the waters.” (Gn1: 2)
“By the word [Logos] of the Lord[Father] the heavens were established; and all the power of them by the spirit [Holy Spirit]of his mouth.” (Ps 32: 6).
“it is the crucifying love of the Father, the crucified love of the Son, and the love of the Holy Spirit triumphing through the power of the Cross.” [St. Philaret of Moscow in Ware, T. (1995). The Orthodox Way.Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir”s Seminary Press.]
Our bodies are created by God and are good and made for good.? God made us to be in union with Him and others.? How we use our bodies tells us our meaning of our lives.? How we use our bodies tells all how we love God and others.
For Orthodox Christians the “theology of sex”, based on Divine Love. It goes to the essence of God Himself. St John tells us “…for love is of God ….God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8)This is the love we are to have for one another.Archimandrite Sophrony (1999) reports St.Silouan the Athonite echoing the Church Fathers said: “Both Christs commandments – of ove towards God and love toward neighbor -make up a single life.“(Sakharov, Archimandrite Sophrony, (1999). St Silouan the Athonite. Crestwood, New York: St. VladimirsSeminary Press.)
Creation is an act of love between God and His creation. He creates in love and continues to keep the universe and mankind in being out of love. The infinite God, creates out of nothing,and continues to create through the laws of nature He has created.? “I beseech thee, my son, look upon heaven and earth, and all that is in them: and consider that God made them out of nothing, and mankind also.” 2Mac 7: 28)
“A person may be defined as an essence with individual characteristics.” St. Thalassios , Philokalia II, p.330-1)
“When God brought into being natures endowed with intelligence and intellect He communicated to them, in His supreme goodness four of the divine attributes …being, eternal being, goodness and wisdom …being and eternal being, to their essence …goodness and wisdom to their volitive [willing faculty] so what He is in His essence the creature may be by participation. (St. Maximus the Confessor, Philokalia II, pp. 86-87)
“Or know you not, that your members are the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have from God; and you are not your own?” (1Cor 6: 19)
In his Discourses St. Dorotheos of Gaza wrote:”In the beginning when God created man he set him in paradise (as the divine holy scripture says), (Genesis 2:25) adorned with every virtue, and gave him a command not to eat of the tree in the middle of paradise” (Genesis2:16-17). (Wheeler, E.P. (1977). (ed., trans.), Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourses and Sayings. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications.)
The tree of the knowledge of good and evil was placed in the Garden to test Adam, but in terms different than we might at first think. God’s intention was not to see Adam fall. Rather, the test would allow Adam to affirm his freedom through obedience and thereby grow into greater grace. Freedom makes available the possibility of disobedience; otherwise freedom is really not free.
The Church Fathers taught that it was a fuller knowledge of good and evil that Adam and Eve did not yet possess. Thus, when the devil(who appears in the Genesis narrative as the serpent) told them “they would be like God” he was telling the truth, but only by half. Adam and Even did indeed gain the knowledge of good and evil, but also became subject to the evil as a result. Hence the radical disordering —the brokenness — of creation that we call “The Fall.”
“And [God] commanded him, saying: Of every tree of paradise thou shalt eat: But of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat. For in what day soever thou shalt eat of it, thou shalt die the death.” (Gn 2:16-17). We know our ancestors failed this test, and in the words of St.Dorotheos, “fell from a state in accord with his nature to a state contrary to nature, i.e. a prey to sin, to ambition, to a love of the pleasures of this life and the other passions; and he was mastered by them, and became a slave to them through his transgression. Then little by little evil increased and death reigned and everywhere was ignorance of God (Rm 5:14).”
God has given mankind through its two modes of male and female a share in His creation.Sexuality is the gift from Him, by which we share in His creation. Therefore, sexuality and life is holy and should be treated as such, because it is the way we were made to share in Gods creation by the material bodies He gave us.
“He created him: male and female He created them.: (Gn 1: 27)? And the Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone: let us make him a help like unto himself. (Gn 2: 18)? “And Adam said: This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man. Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be two in one flesh.” (Gn 2: 23-24)
“Marriage is a bond, a bond ordained by God…They come to be made into one body. Seethe mystery of love! If the two do not become one, they cannot increase; they can increase only by decreasing. How great is the strength of unity!Gods ingenuity in the beginning divided one flesh into two; but He wanted to show that it remain done even after its division, so He made it impossible for either half to procreate without the other…(Of Adam and Eve)…He reunited these two into one, so that their children [emphasis mine]would be produced from a source…husband and wife are not two but one.” (St. John Chrysostom. (2003). On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimirs Seminary Press)
“How do they become one flesh? As if she were gold receiving the purest of gold, the woman receives the mans seed with rich pleasure, and within her it is nourished, cherished and refined. It is mingled with her own substance and she then returns it as a child! The child is abridge connecting mother to father, so the three become one flesh…” (St. John Chrysostom, 2003)
“It were better for him, that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into these a, than that he should scandalize one of these little ones.” (Lk 17: 2)
Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain:”Both father and mother will responsible for not looking after their children…The parents, who do not look after their children, are not good parents and they will have to justify their actions to God” (Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of The Holy Mountain. Mt. Athos, Greece: Holy Mountain.)
“But if any man violate the temple of God, him shall God destroy. For the temple of God is holy, which you are.” (1Cor 3: 17)? Thus the words of St. Paul to the Corinthians have so much meaning: “For you are bought with a great price. Glorify and bear God in your body.”(1Cor 6: 20) As Gods love is not casual, crude, rude and self-centered; so too, our love of self and others should not be this way. As Gods love is giving, emptying and creative; so to oour love of self and others should be this way.
Body Mind Spirit
Are based on selfishness and self-centeredness, indifference to mankind, lack of attention, interest, & love of others.? They all involve a self focus that de-values the dignity of others & their personhood, made by God in His image.
Counsel? Command? Consent? Provocation? Praise or Flattery? Concealment? Partaking? Silence? Defense
PRIDE—Self Centered Superiority & Power.? GREED—-Depriving Others Of Their Physical & Spiritual Needs.? LUST—-Worship Of Sensual Pleasure at Expense Of Others.? ANGER—-Having The Right to Strike Out at Others? GLUTTONY—-Taking More Than One Needs? ENVY—-Jealousy Of God”s Gifts To Others? SLOTH—-Lack Of Duty To Mankind
Abortion, adultery, alcoholism, blasphemy, child or spousal abuse (physical, psychological, sexual or neglect), drug addiction, evil speaking (talking about someone, even if true), fornication, graft, gossip, homosexual relationships, insider trading, kidnapping, lying, preemptive unjust warfare, pornography, same-sex marriage, torturing and/or belittling prisoners, using others for money, power or sex, acts of vengeance(national and personal). These indicate various underlying sinful attitudes, e.g., anger, contempt, deceit, harshness, hatred, hypocrisy, lust, negligence (such as not caring for the environment); disrespect for the God given sexual gifts given by God: promoting female ordination
abortion, adultery, alcoholism, blasphemy, drug addiction, fornication, same sex marriage or relationships, or habits that harm one”s own body, like smoking and over eating.
Loving versus Using- Jesus tells His Apostles:“A new commandment I give unto you: That you love one another, as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” (Jn 13: 34)
You are at a party. Most are drinking. Some are even doing drugs. Many are getting „intimate”with one another. You see a couple go off to a vacant bedroom. Some do not even need a bedroom they are beginning „hooking-up” in front of others. The person who has hanged around with you practically the whole time at the party keeps saying “Lets have some fun. Come on everyone is doing it.”
At some point, after a some increasing passion, starting to go beyond kissing and fondling: “Come on it doesn’t mean anything, it is just „hooking-up.” Come on everyone is doing it.”
Is this an example of real love or using?? Is the „hooker-upper” looking out for the good and welfare of the wished for „hooker-upee?”? Is the „hooker-upper” respecting the dignity and personhood of the desired „hooker-upee”?? Can the „hooker-upper” be trusted?? If a “hook-up” takes place, what is the likely outcome?
A couple is dating. They enjoy spending time with each other. They certainly have a mutual attraction.
Is quality time spent with each other”s family?? (Depending on age of those dating) Are curfews set up by parents kept?? Can those dating be honest with their parents about the person they are dating?? Has dating brought you closer to friends and family?? Do you attend Divine Liturgy and pray together?
Do you see your date as a loyal, committed spouse?? Do you see your date as a loyal, committed caring parent?? If you already have had intimate relations with your date would the person stay with you if you wanted to stop any sexual intimacy until a blessed marriage?? Are you willing to set boundaries and would they be respected by your date?
Do you and your date avoid situations that would lead to „going too far?”? If your family and parish priest knew everything about your dating relationship would they approve?? Do you think that „self-arousal” is OK, because it is private and doesn’t involve or hurt anyone?
When you see an attractive girl do you imagine sexual intimacy with her? Do you speak respectfully about girls or in some course sexual innuendo?? Do you flirt and hint with your girlfriend (or other girls) in such a manner as to invite a sexual encounter?? Do you get angry if your girlfriend sets sexual boundaries?
Do you cheat on your girlfriend?? In the back of your mind do you know you will not marry her?? Do you look at pornography (DVD”s websites, magazines, strip clubs)?? Do you brag to your friends about you sexual exploits?
Have you had sex to make a boy stay interested in you?? Do you give in to you boyfriend”s sexual advances to prevent rejection or avoid arguments?? Do you dress provocatively to get attention?? Do you talk about sex with your girlfriends?? Do you flirt with boys with no intention of dating?
Do you flirt (and/or sexually flirt) with others while dating your boyfriend?? Do you cheat on your boyfriend?? Do you „go along with the crowd” so as not to be prudish and or rejected.? Do you justify sexual activity outside of a blessed marriage because it is „love”? Is porn part of your life and/or do you put upwith your boyfriends pornography lifestyle?
A couple is ordained as the leaders, crowned asking and queen of their domestic church, granted grace for the “fair education of children” (Orthodox wedding service).Authentic and true love seeks to replicate the type of self-sacrifice Christ revealed to us when He became man and dwelt among us (and which is still expressed today in Christ’s faithfulness to His Church).
Conforms to the Great Commandment to love our neighbor more highly than ourselves. In so doing we also love and honor God (Matthew25:36-40, 1 John 4:19-21). This kind of love between husband and wife, even if imperfectly practiced and not always realized, constitutes what St. John Chrysostom called the “small church” and as such ensures the health and stability of the family in raising children (Homily XX on Ephesians 5: 22-33 http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/230120.htm).
The “crowning” of the couple actually references martyrdom, that is, giving ones life for the other. As a martyr gives his life for Christ, so must the spouse be willing to give his life to his wife (and the wife to her husband), and in so doing fulfill the law of Christ which is to love the neighbor as yourself.It is a call to love that rings through the intoxication of pleasant emotion into the deeper reservoirs of the heart and soul from where sacrificial love is drawn.
Marital self-emptying however, occurs only if each partner consents to it. In making man inHis image, God gave man freedom. This leads those in a marital union to a crossroad: The path of righteousness where marriage is a joined duality, or the path of self-satisfaction where marriage is defined as a singularity.
Self-centered marriage is a marriage in name only. Self-sexual arousal is likewise self-centered. After the Fall we are predisposed to self-centered choices directed by the passions(lusts) rather than choices based on agape. St.Isaac of Syria tells us: “. . . pandering to the flesh, produce(s) in us shameful urges and unseemly fantasies” (Early Fathers from the Philokalia).
The Epistle (Eph 5: 20-33) read at the Orthodox wedding service is often misunderstood. The focus of the understanding is the beginning of the passage, describing the husband as “head” and wives as “subject.“- interpreted in Western culture as misogynist. Understanding the meaning of the quoted passage is the later verse: “For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,as Christ does the church.” This means the wife and husband are of the same flesh and value. He would value her and her preferences as he values his own. Thus an equality in respect and love.
From early childhood to the teen years, parents and child caretakers should present this”theology of sexuality.” The parents in word and action must first model this presentation.Use of crude words for body parts or the sex act undermines the holiness and sanctity of sex itself. It also bespeaks unbelievable hypocrisy.Any presentation of sexuality must be age-appropriate. Ordinary daily events give parents so many opportunities to discuss sexuality and its meaning.
Most importantly, never separate the explanation of sex from the love of God in terms of His creation and commitment to us and the creative act and commitment implied in the sex act within marriage.When family members are exposed by way of the media to sex that is devoid of Gods creative love and commitment, parents can comment on it. Simple interpretive comments on advertisements can be very effective. When a suggestive ad on TV appears for example, a parent may comment: “Look how this ad is using that look (posture, etc). Where is the deep meaning and love they should have for one another as Christ had for us”? Comments do not have to be long and preachy. Children learn very effectively from short, pointed statements.
Frequently sex focuses on the “hedonistic”, pleasurable feelings that accompany a sex act. This topic should also not be avoided but addressed. God allows us to feel pleasure. This is the way He made us. The acts that can produce pleasure can be either acts that help ourselves and others grow psychologically and spiritually, or that can enslave us and others in terms of ordinary human development: socially, occupationally,and spiritually. Pleasure blinds and enslaves us when we are motivated to act selfishly and not for the good and welfare of the other whom God asks us to Love.Pleasure as a result of a loving act can help and motivate us to continue sharing in Gods loving committed creative acts.
Elder Paisios of the Holy Mountain wrote: “We should do whatever can be humanly achieved; the rest which is beyond our power, must be left in Gods hands.“ (Ageloglou, Priestmonk Christodoulos. (1998). Elder Paisios of The Holy Mountain. Mt. Athos, Greece : Holy Mountain .)